June 13, 2015
2:13 p.m.

Oh, my God, I don't think it has rained in the last twenty-four hours!

I wonder if that's a record? Nah. Just seems like it.

Instead of the grey and gloomy we had for half of April and most of May, at least June is giving us half and half days. Sunny til mid-afternoon, then cloudy, then rain. I will take all the sunshine I can get!

I'm pretty sure, however, that I could never survive in Seattle.
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I've pretty much decided that the time has come to clean my desk. I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder.

(Maybe I can shame myself into throwing some stuff away.)
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I have been doing a lot of thinking about family dynamics lately.

I admit it, I am one of the lucky ones born into a good family. I don't know how much credit goes to my grandparents--probably a lot, since they did raise my parents--but I am giving the majority of the credit to my parents.

It is not easy to raise children to be responsible, caring, emphatic adults. It's not easy now, and it wasn't easy in the 1960's through 1980's. My parents were luckier in that during my childhood it was still relatively safe to let your children go outdoors and play unsupervised. We weren't allowed to, but many of my friends ran all over the neighborhood. We had a big yard, and that was where we were expected to stay. Special permission was given for bike riding--around the block.

As I child, I wondered about the cautiousness of my parents, but considering that the world has turned into such a dangerous place for kids, all I can say now is that they were ahead of their time.

I turned out to be a cautious parent, too, but I did allow occasional sleep-overs. I preferred that everyone stay at my house, though. I really hated having my kids gone from my house.

But that's neither here nor there; I'm talking about my parents.

My parents: they did a pretty good job. They raised five kids who turned out okay. We grew up, we got married, we gave them fourteen grandchildren. Most of us stayed married. (Not me, okay? Apparently, I'm not good at it!) And we too have raised children who are responsible, caring people.

We've had our slip-ups along the way, of course. Like I said, the world is a dangerous place for children, and getting more dangerous all the time. There have been entanglements with drugs and alcohol. There have been incarcerations. Not many, thank God, but it has happened. It even happened to me--traffic violation, not even mine, but involving a family member's use of my car, and a subsequent summons to court that I never received, so "failure to show". Yay, me!

But here's the thing: through it all, we have supported each other and stuck together and forgiven one another for our shortcomings. My parents didn't disown me for having to spend a few hours in a jail cell. I didn't disown my family member for using my car without permission and having an accident, which eventually led to me going to jail for a few hours. I didn't disown any other family members for minor brushes with the law, and none of my siblings disowned any of their children for their transgressions, either. We were raised knowing one thing: all have fallen short of perfection in the sight of the Lord. If not for forgiveness, we would all be damned.

So, that's my family dynamic: Love and forgiveness. Acceptance. Tolerance. Sure, we fall short. Sure, we get frustrated and angry with one another. But above and beyond all that, we love one another, because we are family.

It goes like this: You screw up. I get mad, maybe yell a little (or a lot). You say you're sorry. We cry, we hug. We are still family. Or it could be that I screw up and you yell. Whatever. No one gets kicked out, no one gets disowned or cut off. We are still family. We still love each other. The end.

But--not all families are like that. Some families give up on each other, disown each other and never see or speak to each other again.

I don't understand that dynamic. It makes no sense to me.

My children's father is like that. His other family members are not, so I don't know how or why he came to be one of the "never see, never speak" tribe. To this day I could easily call him on the phone and chat for hours about his kids and grandchildren, but if he heard my voice, he would hang up.

How sad for him. He has lost so much time, so many experiences, so much love, and all by choice. I will never understand it.

What did the kids do to deserve his banishment of them from his life? Oh--they're mine.

Now, when he told me that if I divorced him he would never see or speak to me again, I thought he'd get over it. You know, for the kids' sake.

Nope.

And never, never, never did I think that he'd be stubborn about child support, choose not to have visitation, refuse to make phone calls, ignore birthdays and holidays. I still can't believe it, after twenty-four years. He has eight grandchildren, and I think he's only met one of them, as an infant, at which time he told my daughter that if she lived with him instead of me the child would never have been born.

My daughter hasn't spoken to him since. But I still hold out hope that she would, if given the chance.

My son, though...I don't know if he would. I kind of doubt it. There are so many reasons, but the main thing, I think, is the fact that when you reject a child--disown them, if you will, the child will learn that rejection is okay. That it's the norm.

My children were not taught that by me, but they had another adult--another family dynamic--as an influence in their lives, and I am apparently not a strong enough influence to alter their opinions and feelings about their sire.

Okay, maybe that's too strong a statement. In other dealings with family, my children have proven to be strong, loving, forgiving people. What they may or may not do in the future regarding their father has nothing to do with any of their other day to day dealings with family. He was the one that paved the way to this stalemate. He will never be the one to initiate reconciliation, and I can't play a part in it either. They are all adults. All I can do is pray that things might be resolved with love and peace before it's too late.

I should probably delete this, but I think I won't.

What I will do is stop thinking for now and say goodnight.

Goodnight!

June 3, 2015
9:51 p.m.

Oh boy, oh boy! We have had some sunshine mixed in with our rain the last few days, and it has done wonders for my mood. I have gotten to go outside and walk, slathered in sunscreen and soaking up the good old vitamin D. Ahhhh!

After Comic-Con, which was a blast, the kids stayed with us until Friday. Gosh, I love having kids in the house. It livens things up, forces me to be busier and just cheers my heart. their parents came to re-claim them Friday evening, we ate pizza and watched a movie, and away they went.

Boo. Can't wait until they come back.

It's been an interesting week so far. I had someone up on my roof, and the signs are not in my favor. I literally have a tin roof, apparently. A leaky tin roof. (Okay, it's probably aluminum, not tin, but that's not the point, is it? The point is, it's leaky.)

Anyway, if I win the lottery, I can probably repair my roof. Of course, in order to win, I have to remember to buy a lotto ticket. The drawing was tonight...uh...oops!

Hahahaha!

So I am supposed to be studying now, and I can't seem to get into the swing of it. I think I'll do better now that the weather is getting nicer, but, wow! I have got to get myself back into a regular routine. This being retired crap makes me a lazy girl!

Speaking of routines, I've got my days and nights mixed up again. Bedtime is not six in the morning! I'm worse than a newborn. Ha ha!
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10:15 p.m.

Sometimes I want to vent here--and I do seem to see a lot of bellyaching when I look back at old posts-- but mostly I want everyone to think I have a calm and happy life. Much of the time I do, but it's not realistic to think that I, or anyone else, have perfect lives.

You--if you read my posts at all--have recently read of my depression, stress and frustration, mostly due to rain, rain rain, and leaky roof, cloudy skies, etc. I'm a colossal bore. Sorry.

So, flip side! Back to studies, and although I'm getting off to a slow start, I'm really glad to be back at it, and hope it will help me get a job soon.

My family is having a reunion next month, and I am so excited! I will get to see people I haven't seen for at least ten years, and some of them for much longer than that! I have to say that Facebook has made this even more exciting for me, because I have gotten to "know" some of the family through posts and pictures, and I look forward to getting to see them in person.

Because of the reunion, I actually started to fiddle around with making a family tree and looking up my ancestors. It's pretty interesting.

I'm planning to get back to jewelry-making, because I might have to opportunity to show some of my work while I'm home on vacation.

I started writing again (besides this blog, I mean) and hopefully I will finish what I've been working on by summer's end. I'm considering self-publishing, and I'm wondering if anyone out there has had any experiences with it that they'd share with me.

I've decided that the next form I have to fill out, when it asks "sex" I'm going to say, "Yes, please."

Uh...perhaps I should say..."maybe"?

Yeah, that's probably a better answer. You know, just in case.

So, sunshine and things are looking up.
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10:55 p.m.

Confession: I binge-watched "American Horror Story" this past week. Zoiks!

Netflix is so cool, don't you think? I am endlessly saying that I'd like to watch this or that, and then before I know it, half the season has passed by and I haven't even given it a shot.

So after four years of "I really want to watch that show, I watched three seasons in just a few days. Now, I  know that the fourth season is done, but it's not on Netflix or on Hulu yet, which means--oh, drat!--I have to wait!! Now I'm sad.

But let me tell you what I like about "American Horror Story". One season equals one story. No cliffhangers until the next season, the story has been told. I find that refreshing and fun, like reading short stories instead of a long, continuing saga.

To be fair, I have nothing against long continuing sagas. I have read all of The Dark Tower series by Stephen King, and I did it book by book. Talk about waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Not to mention that in between the third and fourth books he got hit by a van and was seriously injured, leading me--and no doubt thousands of other readers--wondering if we would ever find out what happened next. Thankfully, he recovered and has kept me reading happily ever since!

(Spoiler Alert: His latest book came out yesterday! Go buy it! Finders Keepers.)

I have also read all the Game of Thrones books, and I'm impatiently awaiting the next one. I watch the series, as well. Cliffhangers.

Which is why I like a show that tells its story in a season and starts a new one the next: I have to wait for the next season, but I don't have to wonder what's going to happen next, because it's over and done. Like a short story or novella, you can drink it all in, relish your satisfaction, and go on to the next thing with no lingering worries or doubts. And that's good, because you'll need the extra time to worry about  Game of Thrones, or maybe "The Walking Dead".
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Well, happy watching and reading, people. I'm out for now.

Good night!

May 26, 2015
3:48 p.m.

Can you believe it is still raining?!

It's true. I posted eleven days ago, and it was raining. It has rained every day since then, and it has been raining almost every day for over a month.

Hello, weather. This is Colorado. Supposedly the desert. What's going on? Are we going to get all 31% of our un-sunny days at once this year? According to the news, we might go on record as the wettest month of May for our area if this weather continues until the end of the month. And that's the forecast--more rain every day this week.

And I can't even complain, because--look at Texas!! I feel so bad for all the people who have suffered through flooding, and my prayers go out to those who have lost and/or missing family members there, in Oklahoma and in Mexico.

5:27 p.m.

On a happier note, I went to Denver Comic-Con over the weekend, and it was a lot of fun. I got tickets for my daughter and grandchildren to go with us on Sunday, and all in all a good time was had by all.

 I got to meet Sean Astin, and he is an incredibly nice man. Although he told me he was planning to fly out Sunday night, apparently his flight was cancelled, which he took as a sign that he needed to run in the BolderBoulder 10K. Awesome. http://www.thedenverchannel.com/sports/actor-sean-astin-impressed-by-bolderboulder-after-deciding-to-run-at-the-last-minute

I just want to add that it was really great to meet him!

Hey, I saw some sunshine for a few minutes this weekend and a few more minutes today, so things are looking up.

Until we meet again!

May 15, 2015

4:58 p.m.

Always Keep Fighting. A campaign to raise awareness of depression and other mood-related disorders. 

I wasn't really thinking of myself when I bought this shirt. I know other people who have battled with mood disorders, and I was thinking of supporting them. I wanted them to know that it's okay to admit there's a problem, and okay to ask for help. 

Then something happened: Colorado turned into Seattle, Washington. And after several days of cloudy, rainy days, I remembered something: I, too, suffer from a mood disorder. Seasonal Affective Disorder, known as SAD, is a disorder where the sufferer is affected by a lack of sunlight.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/05/health/05brody.html?fta=y

I feel like I've been in my own fight for the last few weeks.

Generally speaking, Colorado is a sunny location. Even in winter, we have more sunny days than overcast, cloudy days. We typically have rain in the spring, but it's usually intermittent. And when that happens, I'm okay. One or two days of clouds and rain, and I feel a little blue, but only a little.

This spring has been day after day of clouds and rain, and only a day or two of sunshine in between. As the days have passed I have had increasing difficulty in motivating myself to do anything. I can't concentrate on my studies--and honestly, I don't even want to study--and find that I make more mistakes than usual. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone. It's becoming harder and harder just to force myself out of bed and out of my room.

It has been twenty-five days since my last post, during which time it has rained nearly every day. Adding to my distress, I have a leak in my roof, and I can't get it fixed until it stops raining! I have really not been a happy camper.

During this past month I have thought about writing, but for some reason (vanity? false pride?) I don't want to be seen as a person with anything but cheerful thoughts and happy tales.

Yes, I know I'm ridiculous.

But, I don't want to spend days on end complaining. I don't want anyone to know that I have been near tears, or actually in tears, and over NOTHING. It's a cloudy day or two (or thirty, doggone it!!), not the end of the world. I should be able to talk myself out of this funk.

But that's the point of the campaign, isn't it? To get people talking about it, to raise awareness. Who am I to think that I can support the cause but not admit that I, too, have issues sometimes? Knowing that I will be fine as soon as the weather changes is not the point. Knowing that I'm not fine until it does is the point.

Anyway, just a reminder to everyone, the t-shirt sale is over, but the work goes on.
 https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/alwayskeepfighting?source=feed_text&story_id=378118559060412

Always Keep Fighting, and I will, too.

Waiting for the sunshine.

Over and out.

April 20, 2015
10:12 p.m.

It's been a sad couple of days.

Recently, I wrote about fears, and among those fears was the fear of death. Fear of my own death, and fear of the death of my loved ones. Deciding that I had to go first is not a realistic solution to my unwillingness to face anyone else's death--how would I possibly time it just right?

Paramount--for me, at least--is the fear of losing my parents.

Believe me, I understand how blessed I have been to get past the age of fifty and still have living, breathing, healthy parents. My father is approaching his eighth decade, but he can still be found tending his yard and playing golf. My mother will soon be seventy-eight, and she still manages all her own household chores. As I type, they are planning a family reunion, to be held at their home in July. Remodeling chores are in progress. We are all so excited.

My hope is that we will enjoy not only this upcoming reunion together, but many more to come. But only God knows if that will be the case, and I know I have to do my best to enjoy every minute I can with them.

That said, I feel the need to celebrate the lives of a couple of people who left us this week. One was my uncle. My memories of him are of an endlessly cheerful man. My only memory of him unsmiling was when I saw him at my grandmother's funeral. Other than that, whenever I saw him, he was grinning from ear to ear.

My cousins lost their father April 18th, and I am so very sorry. Tony Turcotte, you were much loved and you will be missed. God Bless You. Rest in Peace.

Friends from my hometown also lost their father this week, a man I really believed would be with us forever. He was 101 years young. Brother Joe Trujillo will be quite the warrior in Heaven, but will certainly be missed here on earth. Rest in Peace. 

The great-granddaughter of Tony, my little cousin thrice removed, Stormy, continues to battle a brain tumor. http://www.gofundme.com/odnxw8 The family is having a hard time, so if you'd care to lend a hand and a dollar or two, visit Stormy's page. Thank you.

My second cousin, Rusty, is also battling a brain tumor. His page can be found here:  http://www.gofundme.com/eyhl0c  Thank you.

In regards to donations, every penny counts, but so does every prayer, good thought and happy vibration. I thank you just as heartily for those. 

As always, thanks for stopping by. Please like and share.

Peace! 

April 19, 2015
7:04 a.m.

It is so weird to be awake at this hour, and of course, the only reason I am is because I was up all night. The birds are singing, which is a good sign. Means it's not raining.

The past few nights have passed in this fashion, because I have a leaky roof. We got a wet, heavy snow, and the melt off has lasted awhile. The pan I have set under the leak has been filling rather rapidly, and I knew if I slept while everyone else was sleeping, it would overflow and water would be everywhere.

Last night wasn't too bad, but night before last I emptied that pan about eight times! Ugh!

So now I am dreaming of a hot shower and a nap. The hot shower is definitely going to happen--we'll see about the nap. I slept yesterday during the day, and it always makes me feel lazy and dumb. I don't know why, since I was legitimately up all night and have to sleep sometime, but there you go. I love to sleep, don't do it very well, and even manage to feel guilty about it when I do. Messed up, aren't I?
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This has been a weekend without grandchildren. Always a bummer, but since the above was happening, I guess it was just as well. I look forward to the weekends they come down, though, so next weekend should be fun. (As long as the weather holds and I don't have to sit up with a leaky roof. Boo!)
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I have not been going to physical therapy since getting back from OKC. I got reports back from my insurance that showed that they were not paying my claims for some reason. That made me nervous about scheduling. Anyway, every time I go I have a $50.00 co-pay, and they want to see me like two or three times a week! I can afford about two times a month at that price!

So, anyway, I'm kind of rehabbing my foot and hip on my own, and I was wondering if anyone had any good exercises I might try? (Please be advised that I am rather lazy, and everything hurts, so be gentle!)
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Well, the sun has been up for awhile, but not OUT, if you know what I mean. If you don't, it's cloudy out there, folks. I fear more rain may be coming my way, even though the weather report says no. I could use a little sunshine, please!
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Okay, this kids is off to the showers! Have a great day!

Depression: Raise Awareness and Erase the Shame

April 17, 2015
12:25 a.m.

I'm feeling negative at this time, and I don't like when that happens to me. I feel fortunate that it doesn't really happen often. It does cause me to think of those less fortunate than myself, however, those who feel negatively more often than not.

I recently came across a campaign to raise awareness of the debilitating effects of depression and other mood disorders, so I ordered this shirt. This particular campaign is over, but the next one is happening now at: http://represent.com/jaredjensen and at: http://represent.com/jaredjensencases .

(If you highlight the addresses above and right-click, it will open a menu that you can click on and go to the sites.)

This sort of promotion isn't something I do ordinarily, but I am more than acquainted with these disorders; people I love suffer with the effects of depression, bipolar disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, schizophrenia and other issues. Some of us get the blues; some of us live blue.

I've seen my loved ones deal with these issues by self-medicating with drugs or alcohol (or both). I've seen them destroy relationships because they refused to seek help. I've seen them get help and then go off their medications and relapse. I've watched them laugh hysterically and cry uncontrollably.

I have even seen them choose to give up.

I was once in that black place myself, and the only thing that kept me here was knowing that my children would grow up without me if I went. The scariest part of admitting this is knowing that for me it was a period of blackness. So many others live in the blackness all the time.

Part of the problem--the biggest part, maybe--is that no one wants to talk about it. There's an element of shame involved.

How many times have we told a sad friend to "cheer up"? "Get over it"? "Deal with it"? I know I have said these things, over and over again.

But how do you "get over" something that may be physical in nature, something caused, perhaps, by a chemical imbalance or a hormonal issue? (Beyond PMS, ladies!) You need to seek medical attention, and stick to the treatments. You need to stop self-medicating, because it doesn't work--it adds to the problem already present and sends you spiraling ever downward. You need to know that it is okay to seek help and not fear the judgement of others who simply do not have enough information to understand what is really happening to you.

That's the reason I'm supporting this campaign, and the reason I urge everyone to please, please "Always Keep Fighting".

I don't want to lose anyone else. Do you?

Think positive. Do something positive. Find out more about depression and mood disorders, and support those who are too scared to seek the help they need by raising awareness and erasing the shame.

Thank you!