July 24, 2015
3:31 p.m.
Well, yesterday I went on a political rant, which was useless and probably not terribly accurate. In my defense--ME NOT POLITICAL.
I guess a lot of it stems from my growing frustration with life in the 2000's. Nothing is as it was when I was growing up, and the changes have not been for the better, in my opinion.
I live in a small suburb of a large city, and one would hope that the relative population difference between the actual city and the outlying suburbs would make it a safer place to live, but that's not the case.
I've lived here for over ten years, and my neighborhood seems relatively quiet, but I do not let my grandchildren outside to play unsupervised. There's a pool at the clubhouse, but I would never let them walk over there without an adult. Funnily enough, when all the children were here visiting last week, their mothers (my daughters) made them all wait to swim when they'd be accompanied by parents, and the oldest grandchild is sixteen! She drives, but can't go to my pool alone! And I salute my daughters for this. Because terrible world.
I have received e-mail notifications that there are sexual predators living within a five mile radius of my home. I have twice called neighborhood watch to report a suspicious white van. (It's amazing to me how the quintessential "white van" has become, in my mind, synonymous with "kidnapper". Unless it is clearly marked with recognizable company logos--and especially if there are no back windows--it is "suspicious". I don't care if the neighborhood watch thinks I'm crazy, white vans driving aimlessly around my neighborhood where children are playing are going to get reported!)
I am barely acquainted with my nearest neighbors, and have made no real effort to change that. (Neither have they.) I remember my parent's neighbors coming to the house for coffee and a visit. None of my neighbors have ever set foot inside my house, nor I in theirs. The world has moved on since my childhood, and not in a good way.
I've written in the past about one of my neighbors who collapsed in the street last fall. I was able to help her, with the help of the Call-N-Ride driver who came to take me to physical therapy, yet to this day we only say hello to one another and inquire about each other's health. No visits over coffee--I usually see her smoking outside while her dogs do their business and I'm checking my mail. Kinda sad, isn't it?
Honestly, I'm not an anti-social person. I don't think. Well, maybe a little. I'm content with a few good friends and my family. But it does seem that not just I, but many of the people I meet now have only a casual acquaintanceship with the people who live nearest to us. I remember growing up and knowing everyone on the street, first and last names! I actually know the first names of two neighbors. I haven't a clue about any of the others.
I know the park manager's first and last name--does that count? I mean, we are actually friends. But she doesn't live very near me.
Anyway, I think that neighbors are no longer friendly because people just don't trust each other as much as they used to. People move more often. People spend more time away from home. And as small a suburb as it is, it's still part of a big city, where people prefer to look at the ground as they pass you on the street rather than smile and say "Hi".
Maybe it's because I grew up in a small town. Maybe city people never give it a thought that their own neighbors are strangers. And even small town folks no longer feel comfortable letting their children out of their sight. I miss "neighboring", and yet I seem to have no real desire to pursue it now. I've become citified.
Whatever it is that's become of us in the twenty-first century, it's not good for us. We live in a country where it's not even safe to take your family to a movie. We're afraid of terrorists, but even more afraid of the ice cream man.
So ranting about poor government may have been a way to address a bigger problem. Humanity has become a mess, in general.
No wonder I'm afraid to turn on the news. We had a theater shooting here in the Denver area. The offender was just convicted after weeks of deliberation. Yesterday, two young woman were shot in a theater in Lafayette, Louisiana. Copy cat? Who knows? People are a mess!
No one can say or do anything without offending someone. I'm offended by all the people who claim to be offended by things that aren't really offensive except to those who are seeking to be offended by everything. Those are the people who decide to take a gun and get back at all the people who supposedly offended them by killing other people who had nothing to do with any of those alleged offenses.
Like I said, a mess.
I think I'll go crawl in bed with a book and forget that I ever started this. If I'm lucky I'll find something set in the 1940's when people still knew their neighbors and were able to let their children go off and play for hours without worrying that some kook with a white van might be stalking them.
Hopefully, I won't go to sleep. My thinks for today are kind of nightmare-inducing.
Blah.
Good evening.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Thursday, July 23, 2015
July 23, 2015
5:37 p.m.
I am having one of those days when I fear for all humanity. Sometimes it seems like we're already living in hell, and hope of heaven is futile.
I don't like feeling this way; it's a horrible, horrible feeling. But the world worries me, you know?
You are about to see something from me that you'd never believe possible if you know me at all: a political rant!
I no longer feel that I am living in the best Country on the planet. Everyone is so concerned with money and things, and so unconcerned about their fellow man. Our Government officials get paid way too much for doing way too little. Not a one of them is worthy of my trust. If I had the power to do so, I would issue pink slips for the whole of them this very day. And if they haven't saved enough of their over-inflated salaries to get by for awhile, tough titty. No unemployment benefits for them. They've been enjoying enough benefits, and haven't done their jobs properly. No pensions, either. They want to cut my Social Security benefits? Let them see how the other half has to live!
Whatever happened to "Government by the people, for the people"? When did it become "Government by the select to benefit the rich"? What a load of crap we're living with! How can we regain control?
(I'm going to jail for this, aren't I? I can see it now: "Paula Shablo arrested for threats to the Government of the United States of America. Wants to fire everyone running the Country." Now I'll be labeled a "threat" and a "terrorist" because I dared to say that my Country's Representatives need to be replaced.)
Seriously, I doubt this is the future our Founding Fathers had in mind for this Country. We used to be the strongest, the best educated. Now we're crap. It's a shame.
I am not a political person. I would be content to work, spend time with my family and read and write without ever turning on the news and listening to a single politician. I would like to believe that the President elect had a handle on things and that I could just live my life like a child with loving and trustworthy parents. But I have no trust in this Administration, nor did I trust the previous Administration. The last time I felt a little secure living in this Country was when Bill Clinton was in office. And I do meant a LITTLE secure.
Honestly, the last good thing a President did for this country was when Jimmy Carter ordered hostages rescued at any cost. No one since then has had the balls to fight for the citizenry. They're too worried about offending someone.
Yeah, yeah, we killed a few terrorists. So what? We've allowed thousands more to invade our country, take our jobs and collect our benefits. Have we all lost our minds?
Where will it end? We're going to be invaded and destroyed from the inside if we don't get a handle on this mess. It's time to give the Government back to the People. We've become lazy and naive, believing that our votes really make a difference. We need to make sure they do make a difference.
How? I don't know, because I'm not a political person. But a lot of you are, so you tell me--how do we take back control of this Country? How do we fire the incompetent representatives and replace them with people who care about us instead of the almighty dollar? What can we do?
Now, having bitched and moaned, I do want to say that I love the USA. I don't really want to live anywhere else--so far, at least. But I'm pretty ashamed of what this Country has become in the last quarter of a century. We can do better. We must do better.
So, what can we do?
It's sad to feel ashamed of your home, isn't it? If I was traveling abroad right now, and someone asked where I'm from, I'd be tempted to say "Canada". That's pretty depressing. (No offense, Canada. Be proud you're who I'd claim!)
Clearly I should shut up now.
Those were me thinks!
Good evening!
5:37 p.m.
I am having one of those days when I fear for all humanity. Sometimes it seems like we're already living in hell, and hope of heaven is futile.
I don't like feeling this way; it's a horrible, horrible feeling. But the world worries me, you know?
You are about to see something from me that you'd never believe possible if you know me at all: a political rant!
I no longer feel that I am living in the best Country on the planet. Everyone is so concerned with money and things, and so unconcerned about their fellow man. Our Government officials get paid way too much for doing way too little. Not a one of them is worthy of my trust. If I had the power to do so, I would issue pink slips for the whole of them this very day. And if they haven't saved enough of their over-inflated salaries to get by for awhile, tough titty. No unemployment benefits for them. They've been enjoying enough benefits, and haven't done their jobs properly. No pensions, either. They want to cut my Social Security benefits? Let them see how the other half has to live!
Whatever happened to "Government by the people, for the people"? When did it become "Government by the select to benefit the rich"? What a load of crap we're living with! How can we regain control?
(I'm going to jail for this, aren't I? I can see it now: "Paula Shablo arrested for threats to the Government of the United States of America. Wants to fire everyone running the Country." Now I'll be labeled a "threat" and a "terrorist" because I dared to say that my Country's Representatives need to be replaced.)
Seriously, I doubt this is the future our Founding Fathers had in mind for this Country. We used to be the strongest, the best educated. Now we're crap. It's a shame.
I am not a political person. I would be content to work, spend time with my family and read and write without ever turning on the news and listening to a single politician. I would like to believe that the President elect had a handle on things and that I could just live my life like a child with loving and trustworthy parents. But I have no trust in this Administration, nor did I trust the previous Administration. The last time I felt a little secure living in this Country was when Bill Clinton was in office. And I do meant a LITTLE secure.
Honestly, the last good thing a President did for this country was when Jimmy Carter ordered hostages rescued at any cost. No one since then has had the balls to fight for the citizenry. They're too worried about offending someone.
Yeah, yeah, we killed a few terrorists. So what? We've allowed thousands more to invade our country, take our jobs and collect our benefits. Have we all lost our minds?
Where will it end? We're going to be invaded and destroyed from the inside if we don't get a handle on this mess. It's time to give the Government back to the People. We've become lazy and naive, believing that our votes really make a difference. We need to make sure they do make a difference.
How? I don't know, because I'm not a political person. But a lot of you are, so you tell me--how do we take back control of this Country? How do we fire the incompetent representatives and replace them with people who care about us instead of the almighty dollar? What can we do?
Now, having bitched and moaned, I do want to say that I love the USA. I don't really want to live anywhere else--so far, at least. But I'm pretty ashamed of what this Country has become in the last quarter of a century. We can do better. We must do better.
So, what can we do?
It's sad to feel ashamed of your home, isn't it? If I was traveling abroad right now, and someone asked where I'm from, I'd be tempted to say "Canada". That's pretty depressing. (No offense, Canada. Be proud you're who I'd claim!)
Clearly I should shut up now.
Those were me thinks!
Good evening!
Monday, July 6, 2015
July 6, 2015
9:00 a.m.
Yeah, sleep doesn't seem to be an option. Bummer.
Last night I ranted a bit about my recent hospitalization, and now I feel bad, because I may have left the impression that I didn't get good care. I did.
Kudos to the doctors and nurses at Saint Anthony's North. You treated me well, and I thank you!
Okay, I have about eight different bruises from repeated attempts to start an IV, but the fact is, I have terribly uncooperative veins. No one's fault.
I'm a little concerned about getting a big old bill, though, since I had to be transported by ambulance from one facility to another. I hope my insurance covers it!
I'm also concerned about the follow up. I foresee an upper GI in my future. Ugh!
_________________________________________________________________________________
About stress: I really don't know how to avoid it, although I'm sure it's true that I would be healthier and feel better without it. I still think it's beyond silly to tell someone not to stress about things they can't control, though. If you have control, there's no need to stress.
I wonder, after a pretty horrible night of stressing over something I can't control, if biofeedback might be for me. It would be nice to control the old brain waves, heartbeat, etc.
Actually, if I could just get my brain to shut up--that would be great.
There are a lot of crazy, dumb and not so great things going on with my family members right now, and I am powerless to change a thing. All I can do is watch from the sidelines, and hope and pray that things turn out okay. Talk about things I can't control. Someone, please tell me how to not stress about these things!
I wish I could really talk about things, but I can't. Although things make me worry, make me sad or even make me frustrated and angry, they are peripheral to me. They are not my things. Just things going on with people I love.
Gee, how I wish I could fix everything for everyone. If I had the chance to obtain a superpower, that's what I would wish for.
_________________________________________________________________________________
We had a strange winter around here, with an early freeze in the fall and then a late freeze in spring that killed a lot of trees. This morning, I hear the sound of dead trees being removed. What a sad sound!
_________________________________________________________________________________
Well, time for me to try to control some things I have no control over. Wish me luck. Have a great day.
9:00 a.m.
Yeah, sleep doesn't seem to be an option. Bummer.
Last night I ranted a bit about my recent hospitalization, and now I feel bad, because I may have left the impression that I didn't get good care. I did.
Kudos to the doctors and nurses at Saint Anthony's North. You treated me well, and I thank you!
Okay, I have about eight different bruises from repeated attempts to start an IV, but the fact is, I have terribly uncooperative veins. No one's fault.
I'm a little concerned about getting a big old bill, though, since I had to be transported by ambulance from one facility to another. I hope my insurance covers it!
I'm also concerned about the follow up. I foresee an upper GI in my future. Ugh!
_________________________________________________________________________________
About stress: I really don't know how to avoid it, although I'm sure it's true that I would be healthier and feel better without it. I still think it's beyond silly to tell someone not to stress about things they can't control, though. If you have control, there's no need to stress.
I wonder, after a pretty horrible night of stressing over something I can't control, if biofeedback might be for me. It would be nice to control the old brain waves, heartbeat, etc.
Actually, if I could just get my brain to shut up--that would be great.
There are a lot of crazy, dumb and not so great things going on with my family members right now, and I am powerless to change a thing. All I can do is watch from the sidelines, and hope and pray that things turn out okay. Talk about things I can't control. Someone, please tell me how to not stress about these things!
I wish I could really talk about things, but I can't. Although things make me worry, make me sad or even make me frustrated and angry, they are peripheral to me. They are not my things. Just things going on with people I love.
Gee, how I wish I could fix everything for everyone. If I had the chance to obtain a superpower, that's what I would wish for.
_________________________________________________________________________________
We had a strange winter around here, with an early freeze in the fall and then a late freeze in spring that killed a lot of trees. This morning, I hear the sound of dead trees being removed. What a sad sound!
_________________________________________________________________________________
Well, time for me to try to control some things I have no control over. Wish me luck. Have a great day.
July 6, 2015
12:07 a.m.
I should probably be in bed, but I doubt that I would be able to sleep. I am so wound up.
I think I'll just catch up on the last few weeks.
Went with my daughter to visit my parents and make sure her kids got to visit with them since they won't be able to make the family reunion.
It was a quick weekend only trip, but we managed to have a good time.
However, the trip home didn't go so well for me, and instead of having my daughter deliver me to my house, I had her take me to the emergency room. I was having chest pain that I attributed to bad Chinese food, but ended up being admitted for numerous tests. This was Monday afternoon, June 29th.
Naturally, I needed and IV.
These are the biggest bruises, but hardly the only ones. Suffice to say that my veins were not cooperative.
They managed one and sent me for a CT of my lungs, looking for a blood clot since I had been traveling for several hours by car.
They drew blood, it clotted and they had to draw it again. Boo. Hiss.
My EKG showed nothing, but they decided to admit me to make sure that a heart attack wasn't lurking my my future.
I was not happy.
The Emergency room I went to is now a separate facility from the main hospital, so I had to be taken by ambulance. It took hours to secure a room. By the time I went on my little ride, my IV had failed and the EMT attempted to start a new one in the ambulance. Once he bragged that he "did it all the time", I knew I was doomed. My tissues filled with fluid and OUCH! So he had to stop that, and there I lay, with IV lines in each arm, neither of them working.
Once I got there, I had to answer a million repeat questions, then a nurse worked in my original IV and was able to re-position it and start some fluids. I had managed to get a sandwich by 8 p.m. or so, the only thing I'd eaten all day, and then was told I needed to eat something before midnight because I had to be off food and water after that for my tests the next day. They brought me another sandwich, but I couldn't eat it. Food was making me feel worse.
The next morning a tech arrived to prepare me for my stress test. She injected a radioactive dye. She warned me, but I was still dismayed as it entered my veins, because it causes a sensation that feels just like you're wetting your pants! Ugh!
They took me down for an MRI, for a baseline before my stress test.
A while later, off I went for the stress test. That wasn't much fun! My IV failed yet again, and they couldn't get one going. They called in someone else to try, someone "really good". Well, she stuck me at least four times before they could get one to work. I felt like a pin cushion!
Because my foot is still healing, I didn't dare run on a treadmill, so I had to be injected with something to stress my heart as I walked. That's why I had to have another IV. Yikes! Stressing your heart is scary, man!
After that, I got to drink cola to get the caffeine to counteract the drug.
Then off I went for an echocardiogram, which is an ultrasound of the heart. That was a pretty lengthy procedure.
Back to the stress lab for the end of that test, another MRI to assess my heart's reaction, and back to my room.
I got to have a liquid breakfast while I waited for results.
And guess what? Bad Chinese food!! Imagine that.
Well, not actually. But I have GERD, (gastrointestinal reflux disease, better known as acid reflux), and have been on medication for it for years. What I experienced--probably--was an exacerbation of the condition, and the doctor doubled my medication.
They gave me a real lunch and let me go home. But I have to follow up on Wednesday, July 8th with my doctor, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up having more tests, because every time I eat, I feel awful.
It's all due to stress, I know this. I have been stressing about my house with its leaking roof, and all this rain, rain, rain. I have been stressing about my kids' problems.
Someone told me not to stress out over the things I can't control. That's so dumb. If I had control, I wouldn't be stressed about it! I wouldn't have to be stressed, because I would have control.
Bad advise, whoever it was who told me this. Bad advise.
I have been trying to be supportive to everyone who needs my support, but there's a breaking off point, and someone has crossed it. I can no longer be supportive to that person.
But it still stresses me out that it's come to this point.
I'm very sad tonight.
I'm going to try to sleep, because I have a very stressful morning planned.
Phooey!
Good night!
12:07 a.m.
I should probably be in bed, but I doubt that I would be able to sleep. I am so wound up.
I think I'll just catch up on the last few weeks.
Went with my daughter to visit my parents and make sure her kids got to visit with them since they won't be able to make the family reunion.
It was a quick weekend only trip, but we managed to have a good time.
However, the trip home didn't go so well for me, and instead of having my daughter deliver me to my house, I had her take me to the emergency room. I was having chest pain that I attributed to bad Chinese food, but ended up being admitted for numerous tests. This was Monday afternoon, June 29th.
Naturally, I needed and IV.
These are the biggest bruises, but hardly the only ones. Suffice to say that my veins were not cooperative.
They managed one and sent me for a CT of my lungs, looking for a blood clot since I had been traveling for several hours by car.
They drew blood, it clotted and they had to draw it again. Boo. Hiss.
My EKG showed nothing, but they decided to admit me to make sure that a heart attack wasn't lurking my my future.
I was not happy.
The Emergency room I went to is now a separate facility from the main hospital, so I had to be taken by ambulance. It took hours to secure a room. By the time I went on my little ride, my IV had failed and the EMT attempted to start a new one in the ambulance. Once he bragged that he "did it all the time", I knew I was doomed. My tissues filled with fluid and OUCH! So he had to stop that, and there I lay, with IV lines in each arm, neither of them working.
Once I got there, I had to answer a million repeat questions, then a nurse worked in my original IV and was able to re-position it and start some fluids. I had managed to get a sandwich by 8 p.m. or so, the only thing I'd eaten all day, and then was told I needed to eat something before midnight because I had to be off food and water after that for my tests the next day. They brought me another sandwich, but I couldn't eat it. Food was making me feel worse.
The next morning a tech arrived to prepare me for my stress test. She injected a radioactive dye. She warned me, but I was still dismayed as it entered my veins, because it causes a sensation that feels just like you're wetting your pants! Ugh!
They took me down for an MRI, for a baseline before my stress test.
A while later, off I went for the stress test. That wasn't much fun! My IV failed yet again, and they couldn't get one going. They called in someone else to try, someone "really good". Well, she stuck me at least four times before they could get one to work. I felt like a pin cushion!
Because my foot is still healing, I didn't dare run on a treadmill, so I had to be injected with something to stress my heart as I walked. That's why I had to have another IV. Yikes! Stressing your heart is scary, man!
After that, I got to drink cola to get the caffeine to counteract the drug.
Then off I went for an echocardiogram, which is an ultrasound of the heart. That was a pretty lengthy procedure.
Back to the stress lab for the end of that test, another MRI to assess my heart's reaction, and back to my room.
I got to have a liquid breakfast while I waited for results.
And guess what? Bad Chinese food!! Imagine that.
Well, not actually. But I have GERD, (gastrointestinal reflux disease, better known as acid reflux), and have been on medication for it for years. What I experienced--probably--was an exacerbation of the condition, and the doctor doubled my medication.
They gave me a real lunch and let me go home. But I have to follow up on Wednesday, July 8th with my doctor, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up having more tests, because every time I eat, I feel awful.
It's all due to stress, I know this. I have been stressing about my house with its leaking roof, and all this rain, rain, rain. I have been stressing about my kids' problems.
Someone told me not to stress out over the things I can't control. That's so dumb. If I had control, I wouldn't be stressed about it! I wouldn't have to be stressed, because I would have control.
Bad advise, whoever it was who told me this. Bad advise.
I have been trying to be supportive to everyone who needs my support, but there's a breaking off point, and someone has crossed it. I can no longer be supportive to that person.
But it still stresses me out that it's come to this point.
I'm very sad tonight.
I'm going to try to sleep, because I have a very stressful morning planned.
Phooey!
Good night!
Sunday, June 14, 2015
June 13, 2015
2:13 p.m.
Oh, my God, I don't think it has rained in the last twenty-four hours!
I wonder if that's a record? Nah. Just seems like it.
Instead of the grey and gloomy we had for half of April and most of May, at least June is giving us half and half days. Sunny til mid-afternoon, then cloudy, then rain. I will take all the sunshine I can get!
I'm pretty sure, however, that I could never survive in Seattle.
_________________________________________________________________________________
I've pretty much decided that the time has come to clean my desk. I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder.
(Maybe I can shame myself into throwing some stuff away.)
_________________________________________________________________________________
I have been doing a lot of thinking about family dynamics lately.
I admit it, I am one of the lucky ones born into a good family. I don't know how much credit goes to my grandparents--probably a lot, since they did raise my parents--but I am giving the majority of the credit to my parents.
It is not easy to raise children to be responsible, caring, emphatic adults. It's not easy now, and it wasn't easy in the 1960's through 1980's. My parents were luckier in that during my childhood it was still relatively safe to let your children go outdoors and play unsupervised. We weren't allowed to, but many of my friends ran all over the neighborhood. We had a big yard, and that was where we were expected to stay. Special permission was given for bike riding--around the block.
As I child, I wondered about the cautiousness of my parents, but considering that the world has turned into such a dangerous place for kids, all I can say now is that they were ahead of their time.
I turned out to be a cautious parent, too, but I did allow occasional sleep-overs. I preferred that everyone stay at my house, though. I really hated having my kids gone from my house.
But that's neither here nor there; I'm talking about my parents.
My parents: they did a pretty good job. They raised five kids who turned out okay. We grew up, we got married, we gave them fourteen grandchildren. Most of us stayed married. (Not me, okay? Apparently, I'm not good at it!) And we too have raised children who are responsible, caring people.
We've had our slip-ups along the way, of course. Like I said, the world is a dangerous place for children, and getting more dangerous all the time. There have been entanglements with drugs and alcohol. There have been incarcerations. Not many, thank God, but it has happened. It even happened to me--traffic violation, not even mine, but involving a family member's use of my car, and a subsequent summons to court that I never received, so "failure to show". Yay, me!
But here's the thing: through it all, we have supported each other and stuck together and forgiven one another for our shortcomings. My parents didn't disown me for having to spend a few hours in a jail cell. I didn't disown my family member for using my car without permission and having an accident, which eventually led to me going to jail for a few hours. I didn't disown any other family members for minor brushes with the law, and none of my siblings disowned any of their children for their transgressions, either. We were raised knowing one thing: all have fallen short of perfection in the sight of the Lord. If not for forgiveness, we would all be damned.
So, that's my family dynamic: Love and forgiveness. Acceptance. Tolerance. Sure, we fall short. Sure, we get frustrated and angry with one another. But above and beyond all that, we love one another, because we are family.
It goes like this: You screw up. I get mad, maybe yell a little (or a lot). You say you're sorry. We cry, we hug. We are still family. Or it could be that I screw up and you yell. Whatever. No one gets kicked out, no one gets disowned or cut off. We are still family. We still love each other. The end.
But--not all families are like that. Some families give up on each other, disown each other and never see or speak to each other again.
I don't understand that dynamic. It makes no sense to me.
My children's father is like that. His other family members are not, so I don't know how or why he came to be one of the "never see, never speak" tribe. To this day I could easily call him on the phone and chat for hours about his kids and grandchildren, but if he heard my voice, he would hang up.
How sad for him. He has lost so much time, so many experiences, so much love, and all by choice. I will never understand it.
What did the kids do to deserve his banishment of them from his life? Oh--they're mine.
Now, when he told me that if I divorced him he would never see or speak to me again, I thought he'd get over it. You know, for the kids' sake.
Nope.
And never, never, never did I think that he'd be stubborn about child support, choose not to have visitation, refuse to make phone calls, ignore birthdays and holidays. I still can't believe it, after twenty-four years. He has eight grandchildren, and I think he's only met one of them, as an infant, at which time he told my daughter that if she lived with him instead of me the child would never have been born.
My daughter hasn't spoken to him since. But I still hold out hope that she would, if given the chance.
My son, though...I don't know if he would. I kind of doubt it. There are so many reasons, but the main thing, I think, is the fact that when you reject a child--disown them, if you will, the child will learn that rejection is okay. That it's the norm.
My children were not taught that by me, but they had another adult--another family dynamic--as an influence in their lives, and I am apparently not a strong enough influence to alter their opinions and feelings about their sire.
Okay, maybe that's too strong a statement. In other dealings with family, my children have proven to be strong, loving, forgiving people. What they may or may not do in the future regarding their father has nothing to do with any of their other day to day dealings with family. He was the one that paved the way to this stalemate. He will never be the one to initiate reconciliation, and I can't play a part in it either. They are all adults. All I can do is pray that things might be resolved with love and peace before it's too late.
I should probably delete this, but I think I won't.
What I will do is stop thinking for now and say goodnight.
Goodnight!
2:13 p.m.
Oh, my God, I don't think it has rained in the last twenty-four hours!
I wonder if that's a record? Nah. Just seems like it.
Instead of the grey and gloomy we had for half of April and most of May, at least June is giving us half and half days. Sunny til mid-afternoon, then cloudy, then rain. I will take all the sunshine I can get!
I'm pretty sure, however, that I could never survive in Seattle.
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I've pretty much decided that the time has come to clean my desk. I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder.
(Maybe I can shame myself into throwing some stuff away.)
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I have been doing a lot of thinking about family dynamics lately.
I admit it, I am one of the lucky ones born into a good family. I don't know how much credit goes to my grandparents--probably a lot, since they did raise my parents--but I am giving the majority of the credit to my parents.
It is not easy to raise children to be responsible, caring, emphatic adults. It's not easy now, and it wasn't easy in the 1960's through 1980's. My parents were luckier in that during my childhood it was still relatively safe to let your children go outdoors and play unsupervised. We weren't allowed to, but many of my friends ran all over the neighborhood. We had a big yard, and that was where we were expected to stay. Special permission was given for bike riding--around the block.
As I child, I wondered about the cautiousness of my parents, but considering that the world has turned into such a dangerous place for kids, all I can say now is that they were ahead of their time.
I turned out to be a cautious parent, too, but I did allow occasional sleep-overs. I preferred that everyone stay at my house, though. I really hated having my kids gone from my house.
But that's neither here nor there; I'm talking about my parents.
My parents: they did a pretty good job. They raised five kids who turned out okay. We grew up, we got married, we gave them fourteen grandchildren. Most of us stayed married. (Not me, okay? Apparently, I'm not good at it!) And we too have raised children who are responsible, caring people.
We've had our slip-ups along the way, of course. Like I said, the world is a dangerous place for children, and getting more dangerous all the time. There have been entanglements with drugs and alcohol. There have been incarcerations. Not many, thank God, but it has happened. It even happened to me--traffic violation, not even mine, but involving a family member's use of my car, and a subsequent summons to court that I never received, so "failure to show". Yay, me!
But here's the thing: through it all, we have supported each other and stuck together and forgiven one another for our shortcomings. My parents didn't disown me for having to spend a few hours in a jail cell. I didn't disown my family member for using my car without permission and having an accident, which eventually led to me going to jail for a few hours. I didn't disown any other family members for minor brushes with the law, and none of my siblings disowned any of their children for their transgressions, either. We were raised knowing one thing: all have fallen short of perfection in the sight of the Lord. If not for forgiveness, we would all be damned.
So, that's my family dynamic: Love and forgiveness. Acceptance. Tolerance. Sure, we fall short. Sure, we get frustrated and angry with one another. But above and beyond all that, we love one another, because we are family.
It goes like this: You screw up. I get mad, maybe yell a little (or a lot). You say you're sorry. We cry, we hug. We are still family. Or it could be that I screw up and you yell. Whatever. No one gets kicked out, no one gets disowned or cut off. We are still family. We still love each other. The end.
But--not all families are like that. Some families give up on each other, disown each other and never see or speak to each other again.
I don't understand that dynamic. It makes no sense to me.
My children's father is like that. His other family members are not, so I don't know how or why he came to be one of the "never see, never speak" tribe. To this day I could easily call him on the phone and chat for hours about his kids and grandchildren, but if he heard my voice, he would hang up.
How sad for him. He has lost so much time, so many experiences, so much love, and all by choice. I will never understand it.
What did the kids do to deserve his banishment of them from his life? Oh--they're mine.
Now, when he told me that if I divorced him he would never see or speak to me again, I thought he'd get over it. You know, for the kids' sake.
Nope.
And never, never, never did I think that he'd be stubborn about child support, choose not to have visitation, refuse to make phone calls, ignore birthdays and holidays. I still can't believe it, after twenty-four years. He has eight grandchildren, and I think he's only met one of them, as an infant, at which time he told my daughter that if she lived with him instead of me the child would never have been born.
My daughter hasn't spoken to him since. But I still hold out hope that she would, if given the chance.
My son, though...I don't know if he would. I kind of doubt it. There are so many reasons, but the main thing, I think, is the fact that when you reject a child--disown them, if you will, the child will learn that rejection is okay. That it's the norm.
My children were not taught that by me, but they had another adult--another family dynamic--as an influence in their lives, and I am apparently not a strong enough influence to alter their opinions and feelings about their sire.
Okay, maybe that's too strong a statement. In other dealings with family, my children have proven to be strong, loving, forgiving people. What they may or may not do in the future regarding their father has nothing to do with any of their other day to day dealings with family. He was the one that paved the way to this stalemate. He will never be the one to initiate reconciliation, and I can't play a part in it either. They are all adults. All I can do is pray that things might be resolved with love and peace before it's too late.
I should probably delete this, but I think I won't.
What I will do is stop thinking for now and say goodnight.
Goodnight!
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
June 3, 2015
9:51 p.m.
Oh boy, oh boy! We have had some sunshine mixed in with our rain the last few days, and it has done wonders for my mood. I have gotten to go outside and walk, slathered in sunscreen and soaking up the good old vitamin D. Ahhhh!
After Comic-Con, which was a blast, the kids stayed with us until Friday. Gosh, I love having kids in the house. It livens things up, forces me to be busier and just cheers my heart. their parents came to re-claim them Friday evening, we ate pizza and watched a movie, and away they went.
Boo. Can't wait until they come back.
It's been an interesting week so far. I had someone up on my roof, and the signs are not in my favor. I literally have a tin roof, apparently. A leaky tin roof. (Okay, it's probably aluminum, not tin, but that's not the point, is it? The point is, it's leaky.)
Anyway, if I win the lottery, I can probably repair my roof. Of course, in order to win, I have to remember to buy a lotto ticket. The drawing was tonight...uh...oops!
Hahahaha!
So I am supposed to be studying now, and I can't seem to get into the swing of it. I think I'll do better now that the weather is getting nicer, but, wow! I have got to get myself back into a regular routine. This being retired crap makes me a lazy girl!
Speaking of routines, I've got my days and nights mixed up again. Bedtime is not six in the morning! I'm worse than a newborn. Ha ha!
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10:15 p.m.
Sometimes I want to vent here--and I do seem to see a lot of bellyaching when I look back at old posts-- but mostly I want everyone to think I have a calm and happy life. Much of the time I do, but it's not realistic to think that I, or anyone else, have perfect lives.
You--if you read my posts at all--have recently read of my depression, stress and frustration, mostly due to rain, rain rain, and leaky roof, cloudy skies, etc. I'm a colossal bore. Sorry.
So, flip side! Back to studies, and although I'm getting off to a slow start, I'm really glad to be back at it, and hope it will help me get a job soon.
My family is having a reunion next month, and I am so excited! I will get to see people I haven't seen for at least ten years, and some of them for much longer than that! I have to say that Facebook has made this even more exciting for me, because I have gotten to "know" some of the family through posts and pictures, and I look forward to getting to see them in person.
Because of the reunion, I actually started to fiddle around with making a family tree and looking up my ancestors. It's pretty interesting.
I'm planning to get back to jewelry-making, because I might have to opportunity to show some of my work while I'm home on vacation.
I started writing again (besides this blog, I mean) and hopefully I will finish what I've been working on by summer's end. I'm considering self-publishing, and I'm wondering if anyone out there has had any experiences with it that they'd share with me.
I've decided that the next form I have to fill out, when it asks "sex" I'm going to say, "Yes, please."
Uh...perhaps I should say..."maybe"?
Yeah, that's probably a better answer. You know, just in case.
So, sunshine and things are looking up.
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10:55 p.m.
Confession: I binge-watched "American Horror Story" this past week. Zoiks!
Netflix is so cool, don't you think? I am endlessly saying that I'd like to watch this or that, and then before I know it, half the season has passed by and I haven't even given it a shot.
So after four years of "I really want to watch that show, I watched three seasons in just a few days. Now, I know that the fourth season is done, but it's not on Netflix or on Hulu yet, which means--oh, drat!--I have to wait!! Now I'm sad.
But let me tell you what I like about "American Horror Story". One season equals one story. No cliffhangers until the next season, the story has been told. I find that refreshing and fun, like reading short stories instead of a long, continuing saga.
To be fair, I have nothing against long continuing sagas. I have read all of The Dark Tower series by Stephen King, and I did it book by book. Talk about waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Not to mention that in between the third and fourth books he got hit by a van and was seriously injured, leading me--and no doubt thousands of other readers--wondering if we would ever find out what happened next. Thankfully, he recovered and has kept me reading happily ever since!
(Spoiler Alert: His latest book came out yesterday! Go buy it! Finders Keepers.)
I have also read all the Game of Thrones books, and I'm impatiently awaiting the next one. I watch the series, as well. Cliffhangers.
Which is why I like a show that tells its story in a season and starts a new one the next: I have to wait for the next season, but I don't have to wonder what's going to happen next, because it's over and done. Like a short story or novella, you can drink it all in, relish your satisfaction, and go on to the next thing with no lingering worries or doubts. And that's good, because you'll need the extra time to worry about Game of Thrones, or maybe "The Walking Dead".
_________________________________________________________________________________
Well, happy watching and reading, people. I'm out for now.
Good night!
9:51 p.m.
Oh boy, oh boy! We have had some sunshine mixed in with our rain the last few days, and it has done wonders for my mood. I have gotten to go outside and walk, slathered in sunscreen and soaking up the good old vitamin D. Ahhhh!
After Comic-Con, which was a blast, the kids stayed with us until Friday. Gosh, I love having kids in the house. It livens things up, forces me to be busier and just cheers my heart. their parents came to re-claim them Friday evening, we ate pizza and watched a movie, and away they went.
Boo. Can't wait until they come back.
It's been an interesting week so far. I had someone up on my roof, and the signs are not in my favor. I literally have a tin roof, apparently. A leaky tin roof. (Okay, it's probably aluminum, not tin, but that's not the point, is it? The point is, it's leaky.)
Anyway, if I win the lottery, I can probably repair my roof. Of course, in order to win, I have to remember to buy a lotto ticket. The drawing was tonight...uh...oops!
Hahahaha!
So I am supposed to be studying now, and I can't seem to get into the swing of it. I think I'll do better now that the weather is getting nicer, but, wow! I have got to get myself back into a regular routine. This being retired crap makes me a lazy girl!
Speaking of routines, I've got my days and nights mixed up again. Bedtime is not six in the morning! I'm worse than a newborn. Ha ha!
_________________________________________________________________________________
10:15 p.m.
Sometimes I want to vent here--and I do seem to see a lot of bellyaching when I look back at old posts-- but mostly I want everyone to think I have a calm and happy life. Much of the time I do, but it's not realistic to think that I, or anyone else, have perfect lives.
You--if you read my posts at all--have recently read of my depression, stress and frustration, mostly due to rain, rain rain, and leaky roof, cloudy skies, etc. I'm a colossal bore. Sorry.
So, flip side! Back to studies, and although I'm getting off to a slow start, I'm really glad to be back at it, and hope it will help me get a job soon.
My family is having a reunion next month, and I am so excited! I will get to see people I haven't seen for at least ten years, and some of them for much longer than that! I have to say that Facebook has made this even more exciting for me, because I have gotten to "know" some of the family through posts and pictures, and I look forward to getting to see them in person.
Because of the reunion, I actually started to fiddle around with making a family tree and looking up my ancestors. It's pretty interesting.
I'm planning to get back to jewelry-making, because I might have to opportunity to show some of my work while I'm home on vacation.
I started writing again (besides this blog, I mean) and hopefully I will finish what I've been working on by summer's end. I'm considering self-publishing, and I'm wondering if anyone out there has had any experiences with it that they'd share with me.
I've decided that the next form I have to fill out, when it asks "sex" I'm going to say, "Yes, please."
Uh...perhaps I should say..."maybe"?
Yeah, that's probably a better answer. You know, just in case.
So, sunshine and things are looking up.
_________________________________________________________________________________
10:55 p.m.
Confession: I binge-watched "American Horror Story" this past week. Zoiks!
Netflix is so cool, don't you think? I am endlessly saying that I'd like to watch this or that, and then before I know it, half the season has passed by and I haven't even given it a shot.
So after four years of "I really want to watch that show, I watched three seasons in just a few days. Now, I know that the fourth season is done, but it's not on Netflix or on Hulu yet, which means--oh, drat!--I have to wait!! Now I'm sad.
But let me tell you what I like about "American Horror Story". One season equals one story. No cliffhangers until the next season, the story has been told. I find that refreshing and fun, like reading short stories instead of a long, continuing saga.
To be fair, I have nothing against long continuing sagas. I have read all of The Dark Tower series by Stephen King, and I did it book by book. Talk about waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Not to mention that in between the third and fourth books he got hit by a van and was seriously injured, leading me--and no doubt thousands of other readers--wondering if we would ever find out what happened next. Thankfully, he recovered and has kept me reading happily ever since!
(Spoiler Alert: His latest book came out yesterday! Go buy it! Finders Keepers.)
I have also read all the Game of Thrones books, and I'm impatiently awaiting the next one. I watch the series, as well. Cliffhangers.
Which is why I like a show that tells its story in a season and starts a new one the next: I have to wait for the next season, but I don't have to wonder what's going to happen next, because it's over and done. Like a short story or novella, you can drink it all in, relish your satisfaction, and go on to the next thing with no lingering worries or doubts. And that's good, because you'll need the extra time to worry about Game of Thrones, or maybe "The Walking Dead".
_________________________________________________________________________________
Well, happy watching and reading, people. I'm out for now.
Good night!
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
May 26, 2015
3:48 p.m.
Can you believe it is still raining?!
It's true. I posted eleven days ago, and it was raining. It has rained every day since then, and it has been raining almost every day for over a month.
Hello, weather. This is Colorado. Supposedly the desert. What's going on? Are we going to get all 31% of our un-sunny days at once this year? According to the news, we might go on record as the wettest month of May for our area if this weather continues until the end of the month. And that's the forecast--more rain every day this week.
And I can't even complain, because--look at Texas!! I feel so bad for all the people who have suffered through flooding, and my prayers go out to those who have lost and/or missing family members there, in Oklahoma and in Mexico.
5:27 p.m.
On a happier note, I went to Denver Comic-Con over the weekend, and it was a lot of fun. I got tickets for my daughter and grandchildren to go with us on Sunday, and all in all a good time was had by all.
I got to meet Sean Astin, and he is an incredibly nice man. Although he told me he was planning to fly out Sunday night, apparently his flight was cancelled, which he took as a sign that he needed to run in the BolderBoulder 10K. Awesome. http://www.thedenverchannel.com/sports/actor-sean-astin-impressed-by-bolderboulder-after-deciding-to-run-at-the-last-minute
I just want to add that it was really great to meet him!
Hey, I saw some sunshine for a few minutes this weekend and a few more minutes today, so things are looking up.
Until we meet again!
3:48 p.m.
Can you believe it is still raining?!
It's true. I posted eleven days ago, and it was raining. It has rained every day since then, and it has been raining almost every day for over a month.
Hello, weather. This is Colorado. Supposedly the desert. What's going on? Are we going to get all 31% of our un-sunny days at once this year? According to the news, we might go on record as the wettest month of May for our area if this weather continues until the end of the month. And that's the forecast--more rain every day this week.
And I can't even complain, because--look at Texas!! I feel so bad for all the people who have suffered through flooding, and my prayers go out to those who have lost and/or missing family members there, in Oklahoma and in Mexico.
5:27 p.m.
On a happier note, I went to Denver Comic-Con over the weekend, and it was a lot of fun. I got tickets for my daughter and grandchildren to go with us on Sunday, and all in all a good time was had by all.
I got to meet Sean Astin, and he is an incredibly nice man. Although he told me he was planning to fly out Sunday night, apparently his flight was cancelled, which he took as a sign that he needed to run in the BolderBoulder 10K. Awesome. http://www.thedenverchannel.com/sports/actor-sean-astin-impressed-by-bolderboulder-after-deciding-to-run-at-the-last-minute
I just want to add that it was really great to meet him!
Hey, I saw some sunshine for a few minutes this weekend and a few more minutes today, so things are looking up.
Until we meet again!
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