March 27, 2015
4:12 p.m.

Right now I am thinking of a special person, because today is her birthday! Happy Birthday, Steffany! I hope you're having a wonderful day!

I'm sad that I don't have more of the pictures of you that I had before our house fire. You are still so beautiful. Love you bunches!

It's been awhile since we've all been together--I missed this visit. Hopefully we will get together this summer.

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Wow, time passes by so fast. Once again--I say this all the time, I know, I know--I wish I could be everywhere at once! I feel like I'm missing so much. And the next person who says "It's a small world" to me better watch out, because it doesn't seem that way to me when everyone is far away.

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Oh my goodness, it's almost April! Yikes!! My grandchildren are on spring break, so I am looking forward to a visit from them.

Having said this, I realize that I am not ready for a visit. Guess I better make a shopping list and do some chores. 

Everyone have a good one!

Paula out! 

March 26, 2015
10:28 p.m.

Last post I was thinking about all the many things no one tells you about being a parent. Things like the fact that our children don't always turn out to be perfect. In fact, they rarely turn out even close to perfect. They are, after all, only human, just as we are.

I could go on with this train of thought, but I'm going to derail the train for now. I have some other things on my mind tonight.
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11:28 p.m.

Well, I did. And I do. But I have deleted everything I just wrote, because I am still a keeper of secrets, it seems.

Let me just say that secrets are hurtful. Had I spoken up a few times in my life, things may have turned out very differently. But it's too late for me, and speaking out at this point would change nothing.

I just hope that others will choose to do differently, and in so doing change their lives for the better. I'm sure that many, many people who might read this will see themselves in this statement, because we all have secrets, and we all know somewhere deep inside that sharing them with the right person at the right time could make all the difference.

So, having said nothing, I hope I have said something helpful to someone.

Don't let "If only I had told someone!" become your mantra. It's not an easy thing to live with when you're older, believe me.

But, if you are holding something back to protect someone who does not deserve your protection, find someone to share your story with. Tell your friends. Tell your parents. Tell your grandparents. Tell your teacher. If you need to, tell the police.

Tell your secret. Change your life.
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I have read all the Trixie Beldon books I've gotten so far. Have to order numbers eleven through fourteen soon.

In the meantime, I'm deep into Field of Fantasies: Baseball Stories of the Strange and Supernatural.
Fun stuff, folks.

I have to get some studying done before bed.

Maybe.

Or maybe I will just veg out and watch some "X-Files" re-runs.

That sounds more likely. Yep.

Good night.

March 20, 2015
2:02 a.m.

Well, another night that I am not sleeping. No surprise there!

My mind has been zooming about lately, reminding me of all the things I've done wrong, or was wrong about, or missed. You know, all those things that the quiet, middle of the night brings out in a mind that has no idea how to shut up.

So I said to me, "Hey, Paula, why don't you try to think of something a little more constructive?"

"Like what?" I asked me. "Like not putting off getting free continuing education credits until the last minute? That would have saved us a couple bucks, because now we have to pay for three-and-a-half lousy credits, you procrastinator, you!"

"Hey, lay off!" I yelled at me. "We got twenty-three-and-a-half credits free! I'll bet lots of people put it off until they had to pay for all of them!"

"We're not lots of people, smarty-pants, we're ME! And I would have liked to use that money for something else."

"Yeah, well...lesson learned. Never again."

"Yada yada. We'll see, won't we?"

That was constructive....
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2:11 a.m.

Well. never start an argument with a smart-ass. You'll never win.

Anyway, more constructive thinking has led me to the subject of parenthood.

The other day I posted on Facebook: "Motherhood is a tough gig." I should have said parenthood.

It's just that most of the parenting my children received was mothering. I think of parenting from a mother's perspective.

But that's not fair, because I know some great fathers. My own father is one of the greats, and I'm sure we all know men who have handled parenthood in an exemplary manner.

So, parenthood is a tough gig.

The thing is, we all go into parenthood with unrealistic expectations, I think. There are so many things we don't know.

Why don't we know these things?

Because no one ever told us!! Plus, when we were children and being parented, we weren't paying attention!

So, I decided to make a list:

Things No One Bothered To Tell You About Being a Parent

1.  Your children will not be perfect

     Wait, what? Just look at this little face! Did you ever see anything so perfect in your life?

        Sure, sure. It is beautiful and wonderful. But here's the thing--it's going to get bigger. It's going to learn to walk and talk. It's going to throw food on the floor, and put Lego bricks down the toilet, and spit sweet potatoes in your face. It's going to bite your best friend's child. It's going to take off a full diaper and use it to paint a pretty picture on the wall. 

      And all before the second birthday party. 

2.  Your children will be rude

    No way, I will teach my child good manners!

      Sure. "Please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" should be the very least of what all children are taught at an early age. But what about when your toddler tells the stranger in front of you in the grocery store to shut up? Or when your four-year old tells her preschool teacher that her hair looks funny? Or when a child not your own points out to your own child that his mother has a better car, and your child replies that at least his mother (you) isn't ugly? (Okay, the other kid was rude first, and at least your kid stuck up for you, but you get the point. It's the old "two wrongs don't make a right" snafu.)

      This is just the beginning, and sooner or later the rudeness will be directed at you, because

3.  Your child will become a tween and then--horrors!--a teenager. 

    Oh...yeah...

      Yes, it will happen. It will happen to your child. You can't stop it. You can't even slow it down, although you'll try. 

      And when you try, they will whimper, whine and cry because you "treat me like a baby!" (Notice the "whimper whine and cry"? See what I did there? Rest assured, they won't notice. Because they are so grown up and mature.) 

All this is the very least of what we don't take into consideration when we venture into the land of parenthood. 

I say that, because it we are very honest, we can look back at our own childhoods and remember that we, too, once called the neighbor lady a hag because she threw a rock at our kitty, or drew on the dining room wall with magic markers, or fed our vegetables to the dog under the table when our mothers weren't looking. 

We may have chosen not to remember that we weren't perfect children. Selective memory, my mother calls it. I once complained to her about some bratty behavior one of my children was exhibiting, and she laughed merrily and proceeded to tell me one of her "When you were that age" stories. 

I confess that these days I take great pleasure in telling my daughters some of their own stories when they moan and groan about their children. 

But, while no one actively told us all these things, they were things we could anticipate based on our own past behaviors, or the behaviors of siblings or friends. 

Next time I'll hit on some things we might never have imagined. 

Or maybe I won't. I'd like a few more grandchildren....

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

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I'm going to wander down the hall, crawl into my bed and attempt to reach the land of dreams.

Good night.

March 15, 2015
12:54 a.m.

First of all, a Happy Birthday shout out to my dear friend who is like a daughter to me. Megan, Happy Birthday!

I can't believe another year has gone by. What happened to that little girl I met not so long ago? And now you have more kids than I do! Jeepers! 

Anyway, Megan, you have a great day! You deserve it! 

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All these birthdays have reminded me that time goes by way too fast. I wish it would slow down! I'd like more time to enjoy my grandchildren as children, you know? It's too late for my kids--they're OLD! Ha ha!

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Here's what I mean. Forty years goes by fast! Ugh!

 Age 14

 Age 54

Wow. What happened?

I just read an article about a photographer who has taken a picture of his wife and her sisters every year for the past forty years. That's pretty amazing. I wish I had a picture of my siblings and I for every year that's passed since 1975. I don't think I even have pictures of myself for every one of those years. 

How about if you readers would share some photos with me, one from 1975, and one from 2015? Here, or on Facebook. That would be fun for me. How about it? 

Naturally, if you are too young, share a photo of you that spans at least ten years. Come on, everyone, just do it. It'll be fun. 

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Okay, I'm done. 

Good night!

March 11, 2015
11:18 p.m.

There are days when I--like everyone else, I'm sure--feel overwhelmed and blue. Days when I'm sure that no matter what I do, things will never change. Days when I wonder why I even bother.

On days like this, I try to remind myself of all my many blessings, and usually I can talk myself into a better mood.

Today isn't one of those days, largely because although I am able to count my own blessings, I am feeling badly for those who have not been so blessed.

Let me just say this: Cancer sucks! No one deserves to go through the pain and suffering of such a horrible illness. Within the last few years I have lost two uncles to cancer. These were men I grew up with, men I loved. They left behind wives, children and grandchildren.

Within the last few months, two cousins have been diagnosed with brain tumors. One cousin is on the paternal side of my family, the other on the maternal side. One is a four-year-old girl, the other a young man of twenty-four. They have never met. They are both undergoing treatment in California at this time. They both have families who are scared.

Just thinking about what they are going through, I feel pretty ashamed of myself for griping about what it might cost me to fix my roof. I can't even imagine the monetary costs of what these families are going through, let alone the emotional roller coasters they must be on.

I also have a cousin who is having a terrible time with fibromyalgia. She's been unable to find steady employment and has had recurring issues with her ex regarding custody and care of their daughter.

These three cousins of mine have turned to a web based application called GoFundMe. If you possibly can, please visit their pages. If not, please send out positive vibes, prayers, etc. Thank you!

http://www.gofundme.com/BreaBomb

http://www.gofundme.com/eyhl0c

http://www.gofundme.com/odnxw8

I guess I will add that any donation amount is much appreciated and every cent helps. I know that I am not able to make huge donations, as much as I'd like to, but prayers are free! Again, thank you for taking a minute and sending out positive thoughts.
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I ordered some more Trixie Beldon Mysteries --like I warned you!--and of course, the first one I received is not the next one I need to read! Ha ha! That's what happened last time. Darn it, now I have to wait. Good thing I have three other things I'm reading right now.
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Okay, I'm making a real effort to get to bed at a decent hour, so I'm off!

Cheers!

March 11, 2015
1:11 a.m.

I think I am still reeling from the time change.

Twice a year, my schedule suffers an upheaval. And God alone knows why it should bother me--it's not like I have a job, or a normal sleep schedule. It should not bother me that the time changes twice a year.

But it does!

Maybe it bugs me on a practical level. I mean, why on earth do we put ourselves through this? It really serves no practical purpose. Due to the rotation of the earth and the position of the sun, we automatically receive more sunlight hours in the summer months in the United States, so why do we need daylight savings time? Would it not make more sense to try to "save" daylight in the winter months?

Ah, it's all too silly. Must be a government thing. Ha ha.

Okay, I guess that's enough for my bi-annual rant.
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My last post was devoted to some ranting about my ill luck with a leaky roof. Sorry about that. I still don't know how I'm going to afford to make the repairs, but today I realized that griping about it wasn't going to help. So, I apologize.

I'm feeling a little better because the melting is over and I don't hear all that dripping going on. Now I'm just hoping that we don't have another big snow before I get the chance to do some patching. Well, actually, to get someone else to do some patching. I'm too fat to climb up on my roof! (Truthfully, I'm even a little scared to climb on a stool!)
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It looks like the summer will be a busy time for me. A family reunion is planned for July, and I really hope that all my children and grandchildren will be able to be there. My parents are so excited.

I will travel home early to help my folks get ready. Then, over the weekend, the family will descend on the little town I grew up in, and it will be great to see everyone!

After that, I am trying to decide if I might go back to Oklahoma for awhile. My son and daughter have had me close by for the past fifteen years. Maybe it's time for my other two daughters to have me near them for awhile.

The thing that makes me hesitate is that it takes me even further from my parents, but since I've started flying instead of busing when I travel, I suppose either place is close enough.

Anyway, we shall see what we shall see.
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Oh, my, I guess I should go to bed and try to sleep.

Good night!

March 8, 2015
10:21 p.m.

Ah, weekends! They're not supposed to be for stressing out, are they?

We've recently had a great deal of snow, and the last few days have been very warm, which means snow melt. Normally, this would be a good thing. But, unfortunately, I have a leak or two in my roof, which means what I did this weekend was listen to dripping water, design makeshift water diversions and watch bowls fill up. Ugh!

Sadly, I am not a rich gal. I'm not even what one would call "comfortably well-off". I'm more getting on "by the skin of my teeth".

I don't know how I'm going to manage fixing my roof. I'm sad.

The truth is, my house is an old double wide mobile home. I mean old. Forty-two years old. If it was a car it would be a classic!

It's not a classic. It's just old and falling apart around my ears.

It's all paid for, though. There is that!

I've been disabled since 2010, and have been schooling to get back to work in a new profession, so that leaves me little money to do anything but squeak by.

I need some advise on low-cost roof repair. Really low cost. What sort of materials should I buy, if I want to make it a DIY project? (Which is pretty much what it's going to have to be!) Any helpful information would be much appreciated.
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Besides dealing with water damage, the weekend wasn't too bad.

My daughter, daughter-in-law and I made a brief visit to a Karaoke bar and listened to people butcher some songs. Haha! There were a couple singers who did quite well, though, so that was cool. The venue has pretty much outgrown its location. It was full to capacity, quite crowded. They were doing a good business, but they need more room.

I used to go out for Karaoke a lot, but I don't sing anymore. When I had my gall bladder removed I was intubated for anesthesia, and whoever inserted the tube scratched my trachea quite badly. Since then, my singing voice is unreliable. I prefer not to embarrass myself, so I sing when I'm alone these days.When it goes well I'm really happy, and when it goes off the rails, I'm the only one who has to hear it!
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My son's good, good friend took us out to lunch today to celebrate my son's birthday. Yay, Outback Steakhouse. Good eats!
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I'm looking forward to a good week of studying. Have to log those continuing education credits!

Take care, all. Good night!

March 5, 2015
11:22 p.m.

Today was my son's birthday. Holy cow, I'm the mother of a thirty-six year old man!

Remember all the stuff I recently wrote about the passage of time? Well, see? I told you so!

Time moves by really fast!

My boy literally went from this:

to this:

overnight. 

That's how it feels to me, anyway. Scary, right?

(By the way, my son is the one on the right. You may recognize the Power Ranger on the left. He is not my son, but Jason David Frank is pretty cool, too.)

Anyway, happy birthday to my beloved son! Live Long and Prosper, as Spock would say.

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The picture above was taken at the 2014 Denver Comic Con. I'm looking forward to the 2015 Con, as I am a gigantic nerd. 

The guest line up looks pretty good, but there are a few people I would love to see added to the list.

It would be great if the casts of Supernatural, Arrow and The Flash would consider dropping in! 

Hmm. I wonder how these Cons invite guests? Can I just shoot out a tweet to all the people I wish would come? That'd be cool.

If you want to check it out, try the link below. 

http://denvercomiccon.com/

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Tomorrow I need to get motivated. I need to study. Finish my laundry. Do stuff. 

I kind of lost my resolve today after spending a couple hours on hold in order to not get any answers to my questions and no solutions to my problem. 

That's what you get when you call a government agency, right? 

Take that, Paula. You should have known better. 

Oh well, at least I was able to read while I listened to horrible on-hold "music". 

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Brr. It's cold out there, folks. At least it's not snowing! 

Have a great night! 

Peace!

March 4, 2015
3:11 p.m.

You know all those memes out there threatening to eat the groundhog?


I don't want to eat him, but I am about ready to give him a good swift kick in the pants! Haha!

It's snowing again.

I am sitting here with a hot bowl of soup. Hot soup on a cold, snowy day--what more could I ask for?

Well, maybe a cookie...

Lets carry on, shall we?
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Fear, Part 5

I'm still on death, but really, today I am more concerned with quality of life.

I fear becoming a burden to my children.

Remember back in Part 3 when I confessed that I was afraid I might die in my sleep? That was a childhood fear, but as an adult, it seems to me the very best way to go. Crawl into bed, drift into sleep and never wake up.

Sure, I will miss things--I miss things when I'm asleep, like the end of the movie I was watching at four a.m. But I'm sleeping, so I don't actually know I missed it. I mean, that's my logic, however flawed it may be.

These days, that's how I want to go.

But I have to face facts. I don't get a choice. What ever takes me, takes me.

I just don't want to have to be taken care of.

Knowing that, you'd think I would take better care of myself. But, I take terrible care of me. I don't eat right--you will note that after my nice, healthy bowl of soup, I want a cookie. And if I had one, I'd be eating it right now! Probably more than one.

I don't exercise regularly.

I stress out over things I have no control of.

I don't consider myself to be in poor health, but that's just because I refuse to face the fact that I have several chronic conditions that my bad habits are certainly not helping.

And I'm fat.

(Wow. The groundhog doesn't need a good swift kick in the pants--I do!)

Okay, clearly I need to make some changes.

But these issues, while manageable, are not the only ones people have to face. People get sick. People have accidents. People have strokes.

I'm a people.

And these things might not kill me. They might just leave me needing care. I don't want that. If it's something that that I can't get over, I just want to go quickly.

I fear lingering in suffering, which would also cause my family to suffer, more than I do death.

But enough of that.

I don't know what made me reflect on fears these past few days, but I feel I've gotten entirely too serious. If I write any more about it, I think I will focus more on the silly stuff.

You know, like werewolves.

Or being forced to read Twilight again.

Yes, I read it! I admit it!

I'm so ashamed...

I also saw part of the first movie. I made it through the books because I promised a friend I'd give them a fair chance. But I simply cannot do the movies. Yawn. Snore.

Oh! Maybe as a cure for my insomnia?

Um...nope.
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Speaking of movies, I bought "The Wizard of Oz" in 3-D. Fabulous! What a fun trip down the yellow brick road!

Speaking of books, I'm off to Amazon!

Cheers!

March 3. 2015
1:10 a.m.

Fear Part 4

Yesterday, I left off on death. First, my fear of my own death, then my fear of the death of my loved ones.

I guess those fears are really all about running out of time.

I have been blessed to live long enough to grow up, have children, and see those children grow up and become parents themselves.

I have lived long enough for my oldest grandchild to get her learner's permit and start driving. (Yikes!) Six more months, and she'll have a driver's license, (double yikes), and if I live that long I will certainly get an excited text from her and a scared text from my daughter--her Mom.

I have been blessed that in all these many years, my parents have remained a constant part of my life. If we all live until July, we will be together for a family reunion.

If.

Now there's a scary word: IF

The passage of time. My youngest grandchild will be two months old in two days. She was just born, remember? Nope. Two months have passed. She has grown, learned to see her family, learned to react to them and smile, started to coo.

My oldest grandchild, the one with the learner's permit--she was just born, too. At least, it feels like it to me. But, no. She's learning to drive.

What happened?

Six other grandchildren have been born between the first and the last, and none of them stayed babies for long, and the time went by so fast that I can't even fathom the passage.

So, yeah. I fear running out of time, because I want to spend my days with them, watching them grow up and change and grow and learn. I want to hear all their stories and tell them mine.

I also want more time with my parents, who, if I face facts, probably have less time left than I do.

This is not to say that I have changed my "plan" to check out first, but really, the choice is not mine to make, is it? I could go first--it certainly happens--but the odds are that I will not.

So these days my biggest fear is not having enough time to hear their stories. All of them, every one. They still have plenty to teach me, and my children, and my children's children.

There's never enough time.

That's what I meant when I said that there were worse things than just a simple fear of death. I'm afraid I'll have to go, and then I'll miss things, like first teeth, first steps, first days of school, first cars, graduations, weddings, first babies.

And of course I will miss those things. We all will. Maybe not my grandchild's firsts, but certainly some great-grandchild's firsts. When the baby is twenty I will be seventy-four. It's possible I will still be around by then. But beyond that?

Well, who knows? It scary not knowing when the time to die will be. Yet, people live longer these days than ever before.

But that brings up yet another fear: Poor health.

This still relates to death in a way; as in, how will I die?

Oh, it's too late for this one.

To be continued...again...
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On a happier note, I'm about to retire to my room with yet another Trixie Beldon Mystery.

Tomorrow--um, I mean, later today--I will have to order a couple more volumes. Like I said, they are a fast read, and this is number six. Then I'll finish some of the other stuff I'm reading while I wait for numbers seven and eight to get here.

If you want something quick and entertaining, try this:  http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/03/09/a-death-stephen-king

Stephen King never fails to deliver a good read.

Good night!

March 1, 2015
12:56 p.m.

Fear Part 3

Over the past few days I've touched on a couple of fears of mine, both rational and irrational--being alone, rational; clown dolls, irrational (Or is it?)--and I guess I'll continue this little soul search today.

Death.

It's a fear many of us have, and for many different reasons. My fear of death has been constant throughout my life, but my reasoning has changed time and again over the years.

When I was a little girl, it occurred to me one day that I would not always be here, that someday--God alone knew when--I would die.

And then what? Where would I be? Would I know I was there? Would I see my family again? Would they *gasp* see me again?

It all seemed so unfair! Why did I have to die? I just got here, man!

It was all about me at that point in my life. I was going to have to die. Me! What would happen to the world without me in it?

Someone told me death was "just like going to sleep." I don't remember who it was, but through that I think I may have developed a fear of sleeping. What if I fell asleep and never woke up?

(No wonder I'm a raving insomniac! I need to remember who told me that and punch him/her in the nose!)

Then I thought, well, when I sleep I have dreams, sometimes really great dreams. When I'm dead, will I dream? Or will I exist in a sort of dream state? That doesn't seem so bad.

Now, here's where the vampires come in.

When I was in first grade, a soap opera called "Dark Shadows" started playing on television. I would race home after school each afternoon to watch it.

Ah, Barnabas Collins! Charismatic, sexy vampire! Bringer of death--or un-death. Intriguing. Thrilling. Spooky!

So much fun in the daytime.

Not so much at night.

I became convinced that a vampire might seek me out while I slept. Not Barnabas. (I should be so lucky--he'd never kill me! He'd turn me into a vampire and I'd live forever.) No, not Barnabas, but some evil vampire set on completely draining my blood and leaving me cold and dead in my bed, a mystery to be solved by no one, because no one really believed in vampires.

My solution? I started sleeping with my head under the covers. If he couldn't find my neck, he couldn't get me!

But that logic was flawed--I was six, but I wasn't stupid. All any self-respecting vampire would have to do is pull the covers down, and--viola--my neck would be exposed to his deadly fangs.

What was I to do?

Somewhere I obtained a glow-in-the-dark crucifix. It was white plastic, about six inches long. I have no idea where it came from. Maybe my grandmother. Who knows? Anyway, I latched onto that thing like a Titanic survivor clinging to a lifeboat. I slept with it laying on my chest on the outside of my covers, which were drawn tightly, protectively over my throat. Vampire repellent, which I devoutly believed in! I was saved!

Yes, I understand completely that my imagination was my own worst enemy. Sometimes it still is. But I'm also often wildly entertained by it!

I don't remember how long I did the crucifix thing, but of course I outgrew it. Probably at about the same time it became clear to me that not only was I going to die, but everyone I knew was going to die.

Somehow, this was much worse for me than the issue of my own death. (Actually, this is still the case.)

So...wait a minute...my mom could die? My dad? Nope. No, no, no.

At this point, I decided that I needed to go first, because I could not bear to lose them.

But...what if I went too soon? Then I would miss a lot of time with them! How would I know when it was time to beat them to the exit?

This death stuff is confusing and complicated, isn't it?

And I made it all worse by getting married and having children.

Oh, no! What if something happened to one of my kids? Yep, I absolutely have to go first!

Only now I don't want to go yet, because grandchildren.

There are so many, many reasons to fear death! For me, they have definitely become entwined with my desire to have time with my family. It's the reason I wish I could be everywhere at once. I want to have every single second possible with my loved ones, because sooner or later, I am going to die.

And I don't know what happens next.

Death.

I'm going to die. Everyone I love is going to die. Everyone I have met or ever will meet is going to die. Complete strangers are going to die.

That's messed up.

But it's not the scariest part.

To be continued...

See ya!