September 17, 2015
11:20 a.m.

Someone I know just posted that she's upset that her son and his classmates can now be screened for alcohol use at school dances. She is understandably upset that her son will be treated as untrustworthy, but this is something I feel is actually a good thing.

I commented with this:

"My kids are in their 30's now, and I wish their schools had done things like this. The sad fact is that teenagers are not statistically trustworthy--they make decisions based on peer pressure and insecurities, and the most insecure are the leaders of the pressure pack. It's a rough gig. I'm glad that time travel is not possible, because I would hate to repeat those years myself, and I'd hate to have to live through my kids' teen years again. Now I'm worrying about the grandchildren, because it just keeps getting rougher all the time to be a teen. Rules and laws are in place to protect the masses from the bad decisions of the few--as always. Just look at this as a way to protect the trustworthy from those few who might negatively impact them for life."

Then I felt bad, because I basically delivered a lecture. But, you know what? I obviously don't feel too bad, or I wouldn't be posting this here.

Here's the thing: I was a great student; I took part in many extracurricular activities, got along with my fellow students and all my teachers. I got really good grades. I was a good kid, generally speaking. I even went to church and prayed and stuff. I wanted to be a good person.

But was I trustworthy? No. Because sometimes, alone at home at night, I helped myself to a little whiskey from my parents' bar. I thought it would take the edge off, maybe help me sleep. (It didn't.) Did I get caught? Of course I did! Because I didn't think it through and add water to the bottle so the level wouldn't change, my father noticed that the liquor was going somewhere. Did I get in trouble? Sure! My parents weren't barbarians; they didn't beat me. But they weren't about to let me get away with drinking, either; there were consequences. Did it stop me from drinking? Certainly--from their liquor supply, at least.

But there are other liquor sources, and it was surprisingly easy to find them.

My friends were mostly good kids, as well. Sure, I knew a couple of "shady" characters. Who doesn't? But I didn't need to ask any of my shadier acquaintances for help in getting a drink, if I wanted one. There was never a shortage of ready booze. Wherever we went, someone had something.

I was not the only "good" teenager drinking on the sly; lots of basically good kids have had a drink or two. I knew a few kids who kept stuff in their school lockers. I don't know if they drank between classes, but they were ready to get started after the last bell rang.

Now, I can happily report that I never drove drunk, In fact, I never even got drunk. I was pretty much a "one is enough" drinker. But my own experience is not the point. The point is, we were teenagers, and we were drinking. And just because I wasn't drunk or driving doesn't mean that my friends weren't. "Designated drivers" weren't a thing back then, but I was sometimes "designated" anyway, because my friends' plans were to get trashed. Since I was sober, I got the dubious pleasure of bearing witness to the lovely effects of too much to drink. 

It was not pretty. When everyone else is drunk and you're sober, it's a riveting display of stupidity. At the age of sixteen I knew I could never be a bartender, because I would never be able to deal with that level of dumb. After nearly forty years, I know I was right; I don't even like dealing with one drunk.

As we got older, "Keggers" became the weekend pass time. I skipped them. I had seen enough of my friends worshiping the porcelain god to know that I didn't want to see a whole crowd of teens doing it at the same time. I also didn't want to see anyone get killed trying to drive home. And the thing about kids and drinking--generally, it is not done in moderation. Teenagers do everything to an extreme. It's done with a goal in mind, and that goal is to get totally wasted.

According to my friends, I wasn't doing it right. But I didn't care. I liked being in control more than I liked fitting in.

For some, fitting in was the last thing they ever did.

According to Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD):

CAR CRASHES ARE THE LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH FOR TEENS, AND ABOUT A QUARTER OF THOSE CRASHES INVOLVE AN UNDERAGE DRINKING DRIVER.

Wow. And how about this:

ABOUT 30 PERCENT OF 8TH GRADERS HAVE TRIED ALCOHOL.

For more from MADD, read this: http://www.madd.org/statistics/?referrer=https://search.yahoo.com/

My own teen years took place in the late 1970's. I lived through those days by the grace of God, but a few of my friends did not. Alcohol and drugs took their toll even then. Even before the time I was nineteen--legal drinking age in those days--I was pretty much over it. Since those days I have rarely had a drink more often than once or twice a year, and I have a two drink limit. (The one exception occurred in 1991, but that's another story, for another day [maybe].)

Having made it through, I later became a parent, and my own children were teens in the 1990's. The 90's made the 70's look pretty tame, and yet, I still wanted to trust my children. They were basically good kids, and I took great pains to teach them right from wrong. 

But-- were they trustworthy? No, no, no. Every one of them tried alcohol in their teens, even though I never kept alcohol in the house.  Every one of them got falling down, throwing up, disgustingly drunk. Every one of them lied to me about it at one time or another. All of them have had friends who have had alcohol related arrests and/or accidents. They have all lost at least one friend due to alcohol. 

In spite of all this, one of my children grew up to have some serious trouble with alcohol that is still being dealt with. It has not been fun. I pray a lot. I cry a lot. I hate alcohol. 

And now I have eight grandchildren to worry about. Things have not gotten any better over time. In fact, it is harder being a teenager now than it ever has been, and improvements are nowhere in sight. 

So for me, learning that a school has proactively put a system in place to try to stop it before it starts gives me some hope. I know it sucks that the good kids who have no intention of drinking are being tested along with those who intend to spike the punch and get everyone buzzed. I know that targeting the masses to control the few stinks like a herd of skunks. But I'd rather see that than to have even one drunken driver on the road endangering all those good kids who should grow up and go to college and get married and have kids of their own, instead of being paralyzed or brain-damaged or dead. 

We all might as well face the fact that our kids, even the best kids, are going to do things we don't know about and wouldn't approve of. We can't be with them twenty-four hours a day, and if we tried they would resent the heck out of us. All we can do is teach them well, and then pray, pray, pray. 

It's a scary world. Any help we can get in making it a little safer--lets take it. 

September 12, 2015
11:59 p.m.

I'm so silly; I should have just posted September 13. Hahaha!

I finally got my ICD-10 coding book, and now I'm deep into studying for my proficiency exam so I don't lose my credentials. To anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about--no worries. Just suffice it to say that medical terminology, anatomy and codes will be my life for awhile. And this is a good thing, because it may lead me to becoming an employed disabled person, instead of an unemployed one.

Sounds mighty good to me.

Also, I have to say that the book is awesome. The anatomy artwork is simply beautiful. (If you like that sort of thing.) If you're a coder, I really recommend the ICD-10-CM 2016 volume by Carol J. Buck with Netter Anatomy Art.
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On the lighter side, once upon a time I was a working girl, and I worked a lot. Day job, night job, school--I was a busy bee. During those years, I rarely watched t.v., and now, after over a decade, I decided I would watch "Buffy, the Vampire Slayer". As a nerd, geek, or whatever, it has often irked me when I didn't get the "Buffy" references in other media. Finally, I'm catching up.

Am I proud to admit that I've now streamed two seasons? I don't know. But it's oddly fun. I would have enjoyed the heck out of it in high school, had it aired then.

Have I mentioned, ever, that I really like Netflix and Hulu? Being able to stream an entire old series is pretty satisfying for someone (me) who wanted a way to record and re-watch her favorite shows back in the 1970's before the invention of the VCR. If only I'd been smart enough to follow through on that desire when I was fourteen, I could have been rich.

I may even get around to watching all the old "Friends" episodes. Maybe. No one ever believes me when I say I haven't already seen them all.
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Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and make a change. So I bought a new sofa and love seat because the old ones were literally falling apart. Off we went to the furniture store, where we sat on set after set and finally decided on one. A couple days later, delivery time. And then--doggone it!--the arm of the brand new sofa is broken! So...waiting for a new one to come in so they can pick this one up and deliver a new one. Man! I finally break down, and that's what happens? Sheesh!

Next bullet--gotta do something about this roof. I hear we're in for a bad winter. Dang it.
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I'm going to have to call it a night. Until we meet again--good night!

August 23, 2015
4:01 p.m.

Wow, it has been a long time since I last checked in. I would say I'm sorry, (okay, I am sorry) but I have been really hitting the books, while at the same time going slightly crazy due to reasons. Maybe more than slightly. It is no fun being peripherally involved in a situation you have no control over. Many can relate, I'm sure. Nuff said.

July was a busy month. I got to go to the doctor. Whee. Started some new medication. Double whee. After my hospitalization and a bunch of tests, I have an ulcer. Triple whee. Was I surprised? Not really. I knew it wasn't a heart attack. I have acid reflux disease, I've had it for years, and my stress levels have been...well, not low. So, ulcer. Such fun.

On the good side, we had our family reunion! It was awesome to see all these people I haven't seen for years--in some cases, decades. It was my second road trip in less than a month, but this time I traveled with a different daughter and grandchildren. Variety is the spice of life!

We posed for family pictures at the same time my daughters decided it was time to make a visit to their father's house. (!!!) So above you see me with my youngest granddaughter, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins, but not my kids or other grandchildren.

Here I am with my siblings and cousins. There are a few people missing, but this is the biggest gathering of my mom's generation's offspring in decades!

My family--minus my kids and grandchildren. All my siblings together with my parents! It's a big deal to be all in the same place at the same time. Awesome!

My mother with my daughters, and some of the grandchildren.

Me and my Daddy!

My daughters and my Dad.

The girls actually managed two family reunions with one trip. Here their families visit with their uncle, aunt and cousins. 

Somehow, there is no photographic evidence of their visit with their father. I'm told it went well, and I'm so glad they did it. 

No matter what else goes on in life, family is important, and precious, and we're not going to live forever, so I am so grateful for all the memories we made in July, 2015!

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4:57 p.m.

To business: I just read a book. Yeah, me! And I have to say, I liked it enough to tell you about it. 

There's a little background required here, I think.

I don't think I can be called a Gamer. I don't have the cred. I do play online games, but they are single player puzzle-type games. 

My son, however, is a gamer. A few years ago he was quite actively playing an MMO called World of Warcraft. (Oddly enough, this is how he met his fiance; but that's another story!) Through this world, he ran across a web-based series called "The Guild", created by and starring Felicia Day. He invited me to watch it with him one day, and I was hooked. 

Felicia Day is very much a woman you can relate to. Her "weirdness" makes her. Reading her book is much like sitting down with her and saying, "So, tell me about your life so far," and she does. Breathlessly. 

An unconventional upbringing and a neurotic need to please everyone led her to take chances and be herself at a time when women were seriously underrepresented in the internet world. Her journey makes for an entertaining read. 

And Felicia, I'd be happy to sit down with you, eat some pancakes and drink a latte and just dish. 

For more information, click the link below. You're welcome.

http://www.amazon.com/Youre-Never-Weird-Internet-Almost/dp/1476785651/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1440367030&sr=8-1&keywords=you%27re+never+weird+on+the+internet+%28almost%29%3A+a+memoir&pebp=1440367031942&perid=0FDB82C46VVMAZGT8BJF
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I'm going to cook dinner now--fajitas!--(yes, ME!!) You may now faint.

Thus endeth me thinks for now.

Chow!

July 24, 2015
3:31 p.m.

Well, yesterday I went on a political rant, which was useless and probably not terribly accurate. In my defense--ME NOT POLITICAL.

I guess a lot of it stems from my growing frustration with life in the 2000's. Nothing is as it was when I was growing up, and the changes have not been for the better, in my opinion.

I live in a small suburb of a large city, and one would hope that the relative population difference between the actual city and the outlying suburbs would make it a safer place to live, but that's not the case.

I've lived here for over ten years, and my neighborhood seems relatively quiet, but I do not let my grandchildren outside to play unsupervised. There's a pool at the clubhouse, but I would never let them walk over there without an adult. Funnily enough, when all the children were here visiting last week, their mothers (my daughters) made them all wait to swim when they'd be accompanied by parents, and the oldest grandchild is sixteen! She drives, but can't go to my pool alone! And I salute my daughters for this. Because terrible world.

I have received e-mail notifications that there are sexual predators living within a five mile radius of my home. I have twice called neighborhood watch to report a suspicious white van. (It's amazing to me how the quintessential "white van" has become, in my mind, synonymous with "kidnapper". Unless it is clearly marked with recognizable company logos--and especially if there are no back windows--it is "suspicious". I don't care if the neighborhood watch thinks I'm crazy, white vans driving aimlessly around my neighborhood where children are playing are going to get reported!)

I am barely acquainted with my nearest neighbors, and have made no real effort to change that. (Neither have they.) I remember my parent's neighbors coming to the house for coffee and a visit. None of my neighbors have ever set foot inside my house, nor I in theirs. The world has moved on since my childhood, and not in a good way.

I've written in the past about one of my neighbors who collapsed in the street last fall. I was able to help her, with the help of the Call-N-Ride driver who came to take me to physical therapy, yet to this day we only say hello to one another and inquire about each other's health. No visits over coffee--I usually see her smoking outside while her dogs do their business and I'm checking my mail. Kinda sad, isn't it?

Honestly, I'm not an anti-social person. I don't think. Well, maybe a little. I'm content with a few good friends and my family. But it does seem that not just I, but many of the people I meet now have only a casual acquaintanceship with the people who live nearest to us. I remember growing up and knowing everyone on the street, first and last names! I actually know the first names of two neighbors. I haven't a clue about any of the others.

I know the park manager's first and last name--does that count? I mean, we are actually friends. But she doesn't live very near me.

Anyway, I think that neighbors are no longer friendly because people just don't trust each other as much as they used to. People move more often. People spend more time away from home. And as small a suburb as it is, it's still part of a big city, where people prefer to look at the ground as they pass you on the street rather than smile and say "Hi".

Maybe it's because I grew up in a small town. Maybe city people never give it a thought that their own neighbors are strangers. And even small town folks no longer feel comfortable letting their children out of their sight. I miss "neighboring", and yet I seem to have no real desire to pursue it now. I've become citified.

Whatever it is that's become of us in the twenty-first century, it's not  good for us. We live in a country where it's not even safe to take your family to a movie. We're afraid of terrorists, but even more afraid of the ice cream man.

So ranting about poor government may have been a way to address a bigger problem. Humanity has become a mess, in general.

No wonder I'm afraid to turn on the news. We had a theater shooting here in the Denver area. The offender was just convicted after weeks of deliberation. Yesterday, two young woman were shot in a theater in Lafayette, Louisiana. Copy cat? Who knows? People are a mess!

No one can say or do anything without offending someone. I'm offended by all the people who claim to be offended by things that aren't really offensive except to those who are seeking to be offended by everything. Those are the people who decide to take a gun and get back at all the people who supposedly offended them by killing other people who had nothing to do with any of those alleged offenses.

Like I said, a mess.

I think I'll go crawl in bed with a book and forget that I ever started this. If I'm lucky I'll find something set in the 1940's when people still knew their neighbors and were able to let their children go off and play for hours without worrying that some kook with a white van might be stalking them.

Hopefully, I won't go to sleep. My thinks for today are kind of nightmare-inducing.

Blah.

Good evening.

July 23, 2015
5:37 p.m.

I am having one of those days when I fear for all humanity. Sometimes it seems like we're already living in hell, and hope of heaven is futile.

I don't like feeling this way; it's a horrible, horrible feeling. But the world worries me, you know?

You are about to see something from me that you'd never believe possible if you know me at all: a political rant!

I no longer feel that I am living in the best Country on the planet. Everyone is so concerned with money and things, and so unconcerned about their fellow man. Our Government officials get paid way too much for doing way too little. Not a one of them is worthy of my trust. If I had the power to do so, I would issue pink slips for the whole of them this very day. And if they haven't saved enough of their over-inflated salaries to get by for awhile, tough titty. No unemployment benefits for them. They've been enjoying enough benefits, and haven't done their jobs properly. No pensions, either. They want to cut my Social Security benefits? Let them see how the other half has to live!

Whatever happened to "Government by the people, for the people"? When did it become "Government by the select to benefit the rich"? What a load of crap we're living with! How can we regain control?

(I'm going to jail for this, aren't I? I can see it now: "Paula Shablo arrested for threats to the Government of the United States of America. Wants to fire everyone running the Country." Now I'll be labeled a "threat" and a "terrorist" because I dared to say that my Country's Representatives need to be replaced.)

Seriously, I doubt this is the future our Founding Fathers had in mind for this Country. We used to be the strongest, the best educated. Now we're crap. It's a shame.

I am not a political person. I would be content to work, spend time with my family and read and write without ever turning on the news and listening to a single politician. I would like to believe that the President elect had a handle on things and that I could just live my life like a child with loving and trustworthy parents. But I have no trust in this Administration, nor did I trust the previous Administration. The last time I felt a little secure living in this Country was when Bill Clinton was in office. And I do meant a LITTLE secure.

Honestly, the last good thing a President did for this country was when Jimmy Carter ordered hostages rescued at any cost. No one since then has had the balls to fight for the citizenry. They're too worried about offending someone.

Yeah, yeah, we killed a few terrorists. So what? We've allowed thousands more to invade our country, take our jobs and collect our benefits. Have we all lost our minds?

Where will it end? We're going to be invaded and destroyed from the inside if we don't get a handle on this mess. It's time to give the Government back to the People. We've become lazy and naive, believing that our votes really make a difference. We need to make sure they do make a difference.

How? I don't know, because I'm not a political person. But a lot of you are, so you tell me--how do we take back control of this Country? How do we fire the incompetent representatives and replace them with people who care about us instead of the almighty dollar? What can we do?

Now, having bitched and moaned, I do want to say that I love the USA. I don't really want to live anywhere else--so far, at least. But I'm pretty ashamed of what this Country has become in the last quarter of a century. We can do better. We must do better.

So, what can we do?

It's sad to feel ashamed of your home, isn't it? If I was traveling abroad right now, and someone asked where I'm from, I'd be tempted to say "Canada". That's pretty depressing. (No offense, Canada. Be proud you're who I'd claim!)

Clearly I should shut up now.

Those were me thinks!

Good evening!

July 6, 2015
9:00 a.m.

Yeah, sleep doesn't seem to be an option. Bummer.

Last night I ranted a bit about my recent hospitalization, and now I feel bad, because I may have left the impression that I didn't get good care. I did.

Kudos to the doctors and nurses at Saint Anthony's North. You treated me well, and I thank you!

Okay, I have about eight different bruises from repeated attempts to start an IV, but the fact is, I have terribly uncooperative veins. No one's fault.

I'm a little concerned about getting a big old bill, though, since I had to be transported by ambulance from one facility to another. I hope my insurance covers it!

I'm also concerned about the follow up. I foresee an upper GI in my future. Ugh!
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About stress: I really don't know how to avoid it, although I'm sure it's true that I would be healthier and feel better without it. I still think it's beyond silly to tell someone not to stress about things they can't control, though. If you have control, there's no need to stress.

I wonder, after a pretty horrible night of stressing over something I can't control, if biofeedback might be for me. It would be nice to control the old brain waves, heartbeat, etc.

Actually, if I could just get my brain to shut up--that would be great.

There are a lot of crazy, dumb and not so great things going on with my family members right now, and I am powerless to change a thing. All I can do is watch from the sidelines, and hope and pray that things turn out okay. Talk about things I can't control. Someone, please tell me how to not stress about these things!

I wish I could really talk about things, but I can't. Although things make me worry, make me sad or even make me frustrated and angry, they are peripheral to me. They are not my things. Just things going on with people I love.

Gee, how I wish I could fix everything for everyone. If I had the chance to obtain a superpower, that's what I would wish for.
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We had a strange winter around here, with an early freeze in the fall and then a late freeze in spring that killed a lot of trees. This morning, I hear the sound of dead trees being removed. What a sad sound!
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Well, time for me to try to control some things I have no control over. Wish me luck. Have a great day.

July 6, 2015
12:07 a.m.

I should probably be in bed, but I doubt that I would be able to sleep. I am so wound up.

I think I'll just catch up on the last few weeks.

Went with my daughter to visit my parents and make sure her kids got to visit with them since they won't be able to make the family reunion.

It was a quick weekend only trip, but we managed to have a good time.

However, the trip home didn't go so well for me, and instead of having my daughter deliver me to my house, I had her take me to the emergency room. I was having chest pain that I attributed to bad Chinese food, but ended up being admitted for numerous tests. This was Monday afternoon, June 29th.

Naturally, I needed and IV.

These are the biggest bruises, but hardly the only ones. Suffice to say that my veins were not cooperative.

They managed one and sent me for a CT of my lungs, looking for a blood clot since I had been traveling for several hours by car.

They drew blood, it clotted and they had to draw it again. Boo. Hiss.

My EKG showed nothing, but they decided to admit me to make sure that a heart attack wasn't lurking my my future.

I was not happy.

The Emergency room I went to is now a separate facility from the main hospital, so I had to be taken by ambulance. It took hours to secure a room. By the time I went on my little ride, my IV had failed and the EMT attempted to start a new one in the ambulance. Once he bragged that he "did it all the time", I knew I was doomed. My tissues filled with fluid and OUCH! So he had to stop that, and there I lay, with IV lines in each arm, neither of them working.

Once I got there, I had to answer a million repeat questions, then a nurse worked in my original IV and was able to re-position it and start some fluids. I had managed to get a sandwich by 8 p.m. or so, the only thing I'd eaten all day, and then was told I needed to eat something before midnight because I had to be off food and water after that for my tests the next day. They brought me another sandwich, but I couldn't eat it. Food was making me feel worse.

The next morning a tech arrived to prepare me for my stress test. She injected a radioactive dye. She warned me, but I was still dismayed as it entered my veins, because it causes a sensation that feels just like you're wetting your pants! Ugh!

They took me down for an MRI, for a baseline before my stress test.

A while later, off I went for the stress test. That wasn't much fun! My IV failed yet again, and they couldn't get one going. They called in someone else to try, someone "really good". Well, she stuck me at least four times before they could get one to work. I felt like a pin cushion!

Because my foot is still healing, I didn't dare run on a treadmill, so I had to be injected with something to stress my heart as I walked. That's why I had to have another IV. Yikes! Stressing your heart is scary, man!

After that, I got to drink cola to get the caffeine to counteract the drug.

Then off I went for an echocardiogram, which is an ultrasound of the heart. That was a pretty lengthy procedure.

Back to the stress lab for the end of that test, another MRI to assess my heart's reaction, and back to my room.

I got to have a liquid breakfast while I waited for results.

And guess what? Bad Chinese food!! Imagine that.

Well, not actually. But I have GERD, (gastrointestinal reflux disease, better known as acid reflux), and have been on medication for it for years. What I experienced--probably--was an exacerbation of the condition, and the doctor doubled my medication.

They gave me a real lunch and let me go home. But I have to follow up on Wednesday, July 8th with my doctor, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up having more tests, because every time I eat, I feel awful.

It's all due to stress, I know this. I have been stressing about my house with its leaking roof, and all this rain, rain, rain. I have been stressing about my kids' problems.

Someone told me not to stress out over the things I can't control. That's so dumb. If I had control, I wouldn't be stressed about it! I wouldn't have to be stressed, because I would have control.

Bad advise, whoever it was who told me this. Bad advise.

I have been trying to be supportive to everyone who needs my support, but there's a breaking off point, and someone has crossed it. I can no longer be supportive to that person.

But it still stresses me out that it's come to this point.

I'm very sad tonight.

I'm going to try to sleep, because I have a very stressful morning planned.

Phooey!

Good night!

June 13, 2015
2:13 p.m.

Oh, my God, I don't think it has rained in the last twenty-four hours!

I wonder if that's a record? Nah. Just seems like it.

Instead of the grey and gloomy we had for half of April and most of May, at least June is giving us half and half days. Sunny til mid-afternoon, then cloudy, then rain. I will take all the sunshine I can get!

I'm pretty sure, however, that I could never survive in Seattle.
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I've pretty much decided that the time has come to clean my desk. I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder.

(Maybe I can shame myself into throwing some stuff away.)
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I have been doing a lot of thinking about family dynamics lately.

I admit it, I am one of the lucky ones born into a good family. I don't know how much credit goes to my grandparents--probably a lot, since they did raise my parents--but I am giving the majority of the credit to my parents.

It is not easy to raise children to be responsible, caring, emphatic adults. It's not easy now, and it wasn't easy in the 1960's through 1980's. My parents were luckier in that during my childhood it was still relatively safe to let your children go outdoors and play unsupervised. We weren't allowed to, but many of my friends ran all over the neighborhood. We had a big yard, and that was where we were expected to stay. Special permission was given for bike riding--around the block.

As I child, I wondered about the cautiousness of my parents, but considering that the world has turned into such a dangerous place for kids, all I can say now is that they were ahead of their time.

I turned out to be a cautious parent, too, but I did allow occasional sleep-overs. I preferred that everyone stay at my house, though. I really hated having my kids gone from my house.

But that's neither here nor there; I'm talking about my parents.

My parents: they did a pretty good job. They raised five kids who turned out okay. We grew up, we got married, we gave them fourteen grandchildren. Most of us stayed married. (Not me, okay? Apparently, I'm not good at it!) And we too have raised children who are responsible, caring people.

We've had our slip-ups along the way, of course. Like I said, the world is a dangerous place for children, and getting more dangerous all the time. There have been entanglements with drugs and alcohol. There have been incarcerations. Not many, thank God, but it has happened. It even happened to me--traffic violation, not even mine, but involving a family member's use of my car, and a subsequent summons to court that I never received, so "failure to show". Yay, me!

But here's the thing: through it all, we have supported each other and stuck together and forgiven one another for our shortcomings. My parents didn't disown me for having to spend a few hours in a jail cell. I didn't disown my family member for using my car without permission and having an accident, which eventually led to me going to jail for a few hours. I didn't disown any other family members for minor brushes with the law, and none of my siblings disowned any of their children for their transgressions, either. We were raised knowing one thing: all have fallen short of perfection in the sight of the Lord. If not for forgiveness, we would all be damned.

So, that's my family dynamic: Love and forgiveness. Acceptance. Tolerance. Sure, we fall short. Sure, we get frustrated and angry with one another. But above and beyond all that, we love one another, because we are family.

It goes like this: You screw up. I get mad, maybe yell a little (or a lot). You say you're sorry. We cry, we hug. We are still family. Or it could be that I screw up and you yell. Whatever. No one gets kicked out, no one gets disowned or cut off. We are still family. We still love each other. The end.

But--not all families are like that. Some families give up on each other, disown each other and never see or speak to each other again.

I don't understand that dynamic. It makes no sense to me.

My children's father is like that. His other family members are not, so I don't know how or why he came to be one of the "never see, never speak" tribe. To this day I could easily call him on the phone and chat for hours about his kids and grandchildren, but if he heard my voice, he would hang up.

How sad for him. He has lost so much time, so many experiences, so much love, and all by choice. I will never understand it.

What did the kids do to deserve his banishment of them from his life? Oh--they're mine.

Now, when he told me that if I divorced him he would never see or speak to me again, I thought he'd get over it. You know, for the kids' sake.

Nope.

And never, never, never did I think that he'd be stubborn about child support, choose not to have visitation, refuse to make phone calls, ignore birthdays and holidays. I still can't believe it, after twenty-four years. He has eight grandchildren, and I think he's only met one of them, as an infant, at which time he told my daughter that if she lived with him instead of me the child would never have been born.

My daughter hasn't spoken to him since. But I still hold out hope that she would, if given the chance.

My son, though...I don't know if he would. I kind of doubt it. There are so many reasons, but the main thing, I think, is the fact that when you reject a child--disown them, if you will, the child will learn that rejection is okay. That it's the norm.

My children were not taught that by me, but they had another adult--another family dynamic--as an influence in their lives, and I am apparently not a strong enough influence to alter their opinions and feelings about their sire.

Okay, maybe that's too strong a statement. In other dealings with family, my children have proven to be strong, loving, forgiving people. What they may or may not do in the future regarding their father has nothing to do with any of their other day to day dealings with family. He was the one that paved the way to this stalemate. He will never be the one to initiate reconciliation, and I can't play a part in it either. They are all adults. All I can do is pray that things might be resolved with love and peace before it's too late.

I should probably delete this, but I think I won't.

What I will do is stop thinking for now and say goodnight.

Goodnight!

June 3, 2015
9:51 p.m.

Oh boy, oh boy! We have had some sunshine mixed in with our rain the last few days, and it has done wonders for my mood. I have gotten to go outside and walk, slathered in sunscreen and soaking up the good old vitamin D. Ahhhh!

After Comic-Con, which was a blast, the kids stayed with us until Friday. Gosh, I love having kids in the house. It livens things up, forces me to be busier and just cheers my heart. their parents came to re-claim them Friday evening, we ate pizza and watched a movie, and away they went.

Boo. Can't wait until they come back.

It's been an interesting week so far. I had someone up on my roof, and the signs are not in my favor. I literally have a tin roof, apparently. A leaky tin roof. (Okay, it's probably aluminum, not tin, but that's not the point, is it? The point is, it's leaky.)

Anyway, if I win the lottery, I can probably repair my roof. Of course, in order to win, I have to remember to buy a lotto ticket. The drawing was tonight...uh...oops!

Hahahaha!

So I am supposed to be studying now, and I can't seem to get into the swing of it. I think I'll do better now that the weather is getting nicer, but, wow! I have got to get myself back into a regular routine. This being retired crap makes me a lazy girl!

Speaking of routines, I've got my days and nights mixed up again. Bedtime is not six in the morning! I'm worse than a newborn. Ha ha!
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10:15 p.m.

Sometimes I want to vent here--and I do seem to see a lot of bellyaching when I look back at old posts-- but mostly I want everyone to think I have a calm and happy life. Much of the time I do, but it's not realistic to think that I, or anyone else, have perfect lives.

You--if you read my posts at all--have recently read of my depression, stress and frustration, mostly due to rain, rain rain, and leaky roof, cloudy skies, etc. I'm a colossal bore. Sorry.

So, flip side! Back to studies, and although I'm getting off to a slow start, I'm really glad to be back at it, and hope it will help me get a job soon.

My family is having a reunion next month, and I am so excited! I will get to see people I haven't seen for at least ten years, and some of them for much longer than that! I have to say that Facebook has made this even more exciting for me, because I have gotten to "know" some of the family through posts and pictures, and I look forward to getting to see them in person.

Because of the reunion, I actually started to fiddle around with making a family tree and looking up my ancestors. It's pretty interesting.

I'm planning to get back to jewelry-making, because I might have to opportunity to show some of my work while I'm home on vacation.

I started writing again (besides this blog, I mean) and hopefully I will finish what I've been working on by summer's end. I'm considering self-publishing, and I'm wondering if anyone out there has had any experiences with it that they'd share with me.

I've decided that the next form I have to fill out, when it asks "sex" I'm going to say, "Yes, please."

Uh...perhaps I should say..."maybe"?

Yeah, that's probably a better answer. You know, just in case.

So, sunshine and things are looking up.
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10:55 p.m.

Confession: I binge-watched "American Horror Story" this past week. Zoiks!

Netflix is so cool, don't you think? I am endlessly saying that I'd like to watch this or that, and then before I know it, half the season has passed by and I haven't even given it a shot.

So after four years of "I really want to watch that show, I watched three seasons in just a few days. Now, I  know that the fourth season is done, but it's not on Netflix or on Hulu yet, which means--oh, drat!--I have to wait!! Now I'm sad.

But let me tell you what I like about "American Horror Story". One season equals one story. No cliffhangers until the next season, the story has been told. I find that refreshing and fun, like reading short stories instead of a long, continuing saga.

To be fair, I have nothing against long continuing sagas. I have read all of The Dark Tower series by Stephen King, and I did it book by book. Talk about waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Not to mention that in between the third and fourth books he got hit by a van and was seriously injured, leading me--and no doubt thousands of other readers--wondering if we would ever find out what happened next. Thankfully, he recovered and has kept me reading happily ever since!

(Spoiler Alert: His latest book came out yesterday! Go buy it! Finders Keepers.)

I have also read all the Game of Thrones books, and I'm impatiently awaiting the next one. I watch the series, as well. Cliffhangers.

Which is why I like a show that tells its story in a season and starts a new one the next: I have to wait for the next season, but I don't have to wonder what's going to happen next, because it's over and done. Like a short story or novella, you can drink it all in, relish your satisfaction, and go on to the next thing with no lingering worries or doubts. And that's good, because you'll need the extra time to worry about  Game of Thrones, or maybe "The Walking Dead".
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Well, happy watching and reading, people. I'm out for now.

Good night!

May 26, 2015
3:48 p.m.

Can you believe it is still raining?!

It's true. I posted eleven days ago, and it was raining. It has rained every day since then, and it has been raining almost every day for over a month.

Hello, weather. This is Colorado. Supposedly the desert. What's going on? Are we going to get all 31% of our un-sunny days at once this year? According to the news, we might go on record as the wettest month of May for our area if this weather continues until the end of the month. And that's the forecast--more rain every day this week.

And I can't even complain, because--look at Texas!! I feel so bad for all the people who have suffered through flooding, and my prayers go out to those who have lost and/or missing family members there, in Oklahoma and in Mexico.

5:27 p.m.

On a happier note, I went to Denver Comic-Con over the weekend, and it was a lot of fun. I got tickets for my daughter and grandchildren to go with us on Sunday, and all in all a good time was had by all.

 I got to meet Sean Astin, and he is an incredibly nice man. Although he told me he was planning to fly out Sunday night, apparently his flight was cancelled, which he took as a sign that he needed to run in the BolderBoulder 10K. Awesome. http://www.thedenverchannel.com/sports/actor-sean-astin-impressed-by-bolderboulder-after-deciding-to-run-at-the-last-minute

I just want to add that it was really great to meet him!

Hey, I saw some sunshine for a few minutes this weekend and a few more minutes today, so things are looking up.

Until we meet again!

May 15, 2015

4:58 p.m.

Always Keep Fighting. A campaign to raise awareness of depression and other mood-related disorders. 

I wasn't really thinking of myself when I bought this shirt. I know other people who have battled with mood disorders, and I was thinking of supporting them. I wanted them to know that it's okay to admit there's a problem, and okay to ask for help. 

Then something happened: Colorado turned into Seattle, Washington. And after several days of cloudy, rainy days, I remembered something: I, too, suffer from a mood disorder. Seasonal Affective Disorder, known as SAD, is a disorder where the sufferer is affected by a lack of sunlight.

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/05/health/05brody.html?fta=y

I feel like I've been in my own fight for the last few weeks.

Generally speaking, Colorado is a sunny location. Even in winter, we have more sunny days than overcast, cloudy days. We typically have rain in the spring, but it's usually intermittent. And when that happens, I'm okay. One or two days of clouds and rain, and I feel a little blue, but only a little.

This spring has been day after day of clouds and rain, and only a day or two of sunshine in between. As the days have passed I have had increasing difficulty in motivating myself to do anything. I can't concentrate on my studies--and honestly, I don't even want to study--and find that I make more mistakes than usual. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, talk to anyone. It's becoming harder and harder just to force myself out of bed and out of my room.

It has been twenty-five days since my last post, during which time it has rained nearly every day. Adding to my distress, I have a leak in my roof, and I can't get it fixed until it stops raining! I have really not been a happy camper.

During this past month I have thought about writing, but for some reason (vanity? false pride?) I don't want to be seen as a person with anything but cheerful thoughts and happy tales.

Yes, I know I'm ridiculous.

But, I don't want to spend days on end complaining. I don't want anyone to know that I have been near tears, or actually in tears, and over NOTHING. It's a cloudy day or two (or thirty, doggone it!!), not the end of the world. I should be able to talk myself out of this funk.

But that's the point of the campaign, isn't it? To get people talking about it, to raise awareness. Who am I to think that I can support the cause but not admit that I, too, have issues sometimes? Knowing that I will be fine as soon as the weather changes is not the point. Knowing that I'm not fine until it does is the point.

Anyway, just a reminder to everyone, the t-shirt sale is over, but the work goes on.
 https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/alwayskeepfighting?source=feed_text&story_id=378118559060412

Always Keep Fighting, and I will, too.

Waiting for the sunshine.

Over and out.

April 20, 2015
10:12 p.m.

It's been a sad couple of days.

Recently, I wrote about fears, and among those fears was the fear of death. Fear of my own death, and fear of the death of my loved ones. Deciding that I had to go first is not a realistic solution to my unwillingness to face anyone else's death--how would I possibly time it just right?

Paramount--for me, at least--is the fear of losing my parents.

Believe me, I understand how blessed I have been to get past the age of fifty and still have living, breathing, healthy parents. My father is approaching his eighth decade, but he can still be found tending his yard and playing golf. My mother will soon be seventy-eight, and she still manages all her own household chores. As I type, they are planning a family reunion, to be held at their home in July. Remodeling chores are in progress. We are all so excited.

My hope is that we will enjoy not only this upcoming reunion together, but many more to come. But only God knows if that will be the case, and I know I have to do my best to enjoy every minute I can with them.

That said, I feel the need to celebrate the lives of a couple of people who left us this week. One was my uncle. My memories of him are of an endlessly cheerful man. My only memory of him unsmiling was when I saw him at my grandmother's funeral. Other than that, whenever I saw him, he was grinning from ear to ear.

My cousins lost their father April 18th, and I am so very sorry. Tony Turcotte, you were much loved and you will be missed. God Bless You. Rest in Peace.

Friends from my hometown also lost their father this week, a man I really believed would be with us forever. He was 101 years young. Brother Joe Trujillo will be quite the warrior in Heaven, but will certainly be missed here on earth. Rest in Peace. 

The great-granddaughter of Tony, my little cousin thrice removed, Stormy, continues to battle a brain tumor. http://www.gofundme.com/odnxw8 The family is having a hard time, so if you'd care to lend a hand and a dollar or two, visit Stormy's page. Thank you.

My second cousin, Rusty, is also battling a brain tumor. His page can be found here:  http://www.gofundme.com/eyhl0c  Thank you.

In regards to donations, every penny counts, but so does every prayer, good thought and happy vibration. I thank you just as heartily for those. 

As always, thanks for stopping by. Please like and share.

Peace! 

April 19, 2015
7:04 a.m.

It is so weird to be awake at this hour, and of course, the only reason I am is because I was up all night. The birds are singing, which is a good sign. Means it's not raining.

The past few nights have passed in this fashion, because I have a leaky roof. We got a wet, heavy snow, and the melt off has lasted awhile. The pan I have set under the leak has been filling rather rapidly, and I knew if I slept while everyone else was sleeping, it would overflow and water would be everywhere.

Last night wasn't too bad, but night before last I emptied that pan about eight times! Ugh!

So now I am dreaming of a hot shower and a nap. The hot shower is definitely going to happen--we'll see about the nap. I slept yesterday during the day, and it always makes me feel lazy and dumb. I don't know why, since I was legitimately up all night and have to sleep sometime, but there you go. I love to sleep, don't do it very well, and even manage to feel guilty about it when I do. Messed up, aren't I?
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This has been a weekend without grandchildren. Always a bummer, but since the above was happening, I guess it was just as well. I look forward to the weekends they come down, though, so next weekend should be fun. (As long as the weather holds and I don't have to sit up with a leaky roof. Boo!)
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I have not been going to physical therapy since getting back from OKC. I got reports back from my insurance that showed that they were not paying my claims for some reason. That made me nervous about scheduling. Anyway, every time I go I have a $50.00 co-pay, and they want to see me like two or three times a week! I can afford about two times a month at that price!

So, anyway, I'm kind of rehabbing my foot and hip on my own, and I was wondering if anyone had any good exercises I might try? (Please be advised that I am rather lazy, and everything hurts, so be gentle!)
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Well, the sun has been up for awhile, but not OUT, if you know what I mean. If you don't, it's cloudy out there, folks. I fear more rain may be coming my way, even though the weather report says no. I could use a little sunshine, please!
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Okay, this kids is off to the showers! Have a great day!

Depression: Raise Awareness and Erase the Shame

April 17, 2015
12:25 a.m.

I'm feeling negative at this time, and I don't like when that happens to me. I feel fortunate that it doesn't really happen often. It does cause me to think of those less fortunate than myself, however, those who feel negatively more often than not.

I recently came across a campaign to raise awareness of the debilitating effects of depression and other mood disorders, so I ordered this shirt. This particular campaign is over, but the next one is happening now at: http://represent.com/jaredjensen and at: http://represent.com/jaredjensencases .

(If you highlight the addresses above and right-click, it will open a menu that you can click on and go to the sites.)

This sort of promotion isn't something I do ordinarily, but I am more than acquainted with these disorders; people I love suffer with the effects of depression, bipolar disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, schizophrenia and other issues. Some of us get the blues; some of us live blue.

I've seen my loved ones deal with these issues by self-medicating with drugs or alcohol (or both). I've seen them destroy relationships because they refused to seek help. I've seen them get help and then go off their medications and relapse. I've watched them laugh hysterically and cry uncontrollably.

I have even seen them choose to give up.

I was once in that black place myself, and the only thing that kept me here was knowing that my children would grow up without me if I went. The scariest part of admitting this is knowing that for me it was a period of blackness. So many others live in the blackness all the time.

Part of the problem--the biggest part, maybe--is that no one wants to talk about it. There's an element of shame involved.

How many times have we told a sad friend to "cheer up"? "Get over it"? "Deal with it"? I know I have said these things, over and over again.

But how do you "get over" something that may be physical in nature, something caused, perhaps, by a chemical imbalance or a hormonal issue? (Beyond PMS, ladies!) You need to seek medical attention, and stick to the treatments. You need to stop self-medicating, because it doesn't work--it adds to the problem already present and sends you spiraling ever downward. You need to know that it is okay to seek help and not fear the judgement of others who simply do not have enough information to understand what is really happening to you.

That's the reason I'm supporting this campaign, and the reason I urge everyone to please, please "Always Keep Fighting".

I don't want to lose anyone else. Do you?

Think positive. Do something positive. Find out more about depression and mood disorders, and support those who are too scared to seek the help they need by raising awareness and erasing the shame.

Thank you!

April 10, 2015
12:18 a.m.

Sometimes I really want to use this blog as a place to vent. But I don't want anyone I know to read it if I do that. I don't want to hurt any feelings.

I will say this much, though: life can be frustrating!
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"Game of Thrones" returns on Sunday. Eek! I'm excited. Now if only the next book would come out! It's rough when you invest your time in a series and then have to wait and wait for the next volume!
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Did you ever watch one of those scary movies when a girl is babysitting, and the house is ginormous? Why would you ever leave the kids' rooms? I would not be wandering around a big old house when I was getting scary phone calls, I would be in the same room as the kids.

I do not want this dingbat babysitting any kids I know and love!

You know, I guess it's a good thing I was never rich, because I would never want to live in a house so big that I couldn't get to the kids in, like, seconds. Running up two flights of stairs and down long hallways is not my idea of a good time.

Dang! Look at the size of this house! Yikes!

Oh boy, now she's gone outside. What a dunderhead. If she lives through this, she's fired. She left the kids alone.

Hahaha! I can't believe I am watching this!
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I have decided that researching a family tree is addictive. I've traced some branches back to the late 1700's and then I'm stuck because I can't find a link to England or Germany or Spain or wherever. If anyone has some clues for me, please let me know.

It's also fascinating, you know. Who were these people? What were their lives like? It's pretty interesting.
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I have to say that I'm over the weather this week. I haven't felt warm in days. It's April. Enough already, I would like to turn my furnace off.
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Hoping to visit with my grandchildren this weekend. I miss them when they're not around.

Clearly I have no "thinks" tonight, so I'm off to do something else. Like maybe sleep.

Night, all!

April 6, 2015
4:21 p.m.

Well, it's a day late, but Happy Easter!

I'm feeling especially lucky to have been invited to spend the day with good friends/family and eat a great meal. At the end of the day, having special people in your life is the most important thing.

I've been lazy about this blog, but this time I have a good excuse! I started digging around in the family genealogy, and I have to say, once you start, it can be quite fascinating. I never expected to get so far into the past.

Now I want to go to England and Scotland and see if I can find more information, but that is certainly not in the cards. Too bad I am not famous. Then I could go on the show "Who Do You Think You Are?" and they could send me on a hunting trip down the family tree highway. Ha ha!

I don't know what sent me down this road. Other members of the family have done some considerable work on this. My father's sister did an incredible job with that side of the family. I know my cousin and my aunt on my mother's side of the family have done quite a lot, too. But I have been trying to find things from both sides, because in the end, I would like to give the information to my kids.

What I would love to be able to do is to track down the history of my ex-husband's family so that the kids would have a more complete family tree. I think when we visit my mother and father this summer I will speak to my brother-in-law about their family.
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5:29 p.m.

Remember back in the day when television had thirteen channels and you actually had to get up and cross the room to change the channel?

Okay, I guess not everyone remembers those days, but we never had a remote control until I was in my teens. Ditto color t.v.

I'm feel nostalgic about the old days, though. Growing up, my hometown had only one choice for television if you wanted to get all the channels, and that was cable. Our programming came out of Salt Lake City, so we got no local news on cable. Ariel t.v. was broadcast out of the neighboring town, but provided only one channel, and since we were in a valley of sorts, reception was terrible. But you could catch a local news report on that station. Otherwise, they ran two movies repeatedly: "The King and I" with Yul Brenner and "Bedazzled" with Dudley Moore and Peter Cook.

More recently, both those movies have been re-made, but I can't get on board with either of them. I guess I watched the originals too many times on what passed for late night back in the day.

Fast forward to today, and here I am, with a sixty-inch screen, three remote controls, Comcast Cable, Netflix and Hulu, access to over two hundred channels, and what am I watching?

Re-runs.

When I was a kid, we used to wait for a whole year to watch a re-run of a favorite movie, like "The Wizard of Oz" or Rogers and Hammerstein's "Cinderella". I used to wish I had a projector and a copy of the films so I could watch whenever I wanted.

I remember once taking my Lloyds cassette tape recorder and taping a movie so I could listen to it later. I was sure I was onto something good. I wanted to find a way to actually tape the audio and visual parts of the movie and watch what I wanted whenever I wanted.

Well, I was onto something good, but someone older and smarter than I developed it first. Movies on a disc the size of a record album! Beta, I believe it was called. My brother-in-law and sister got a player and some movies in the early 1980's. It was so cool!

But it don't really catch on. It was replaced by the VHS tapes, and that format stuck around for a long time.

In the 1990's I did the unthinkable and cancelled cable. People occasionally taped television shows for us. We already had lots of tapes before I cancelled cable, so we were never really without something to watch. But the 90's were tough, and I couldn't afford a cable bill, so no one complained. And that crazy ariel t.v. station was still broadcasting, so we could watch that. Not only did they have local news, they had added some shows to their repertoire, so it wasn't a two movie rotation anymore. The kids got pretty good at adjusting the rabbit ears.

I don't know what really got me thinking about all the television stuff. These days we have stacks of DVDs available to us, and yet, here I am, still with cable plus other digital options. I sometimes think I should cancel it all and read more.

Four books a week isn't enough, right?

The saddest part? I'm still more likely--as in back in my cassette player days--to listen to a show rather than watch it, because I am always doing something else at the same time.

I'm a mess.

And...I'm outta here.

Peace!

March 27, 2015
4:12 p.m.

Right now I am thinking of a special person, because today is her birthday! Happy Birthday, Steffany! I hope you're having a wonderful day!

I'm sad that I don't have more of the pictures of you that I had before our house fire. You are still so beautiful. Love you bunches!

It's been awhile since we've all been together--I missed this visit. Hopefully we will get together this summer.

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Wow, time passes by so fast. Once again--I say this all the time, I know, I know--I wish I could be everywhere at once! I feel like I'm missing so much. And the next person who says "It's a small world" to me better watch out, because it doesn't seem that way to me when everyone is far away.

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Oh my goodness, it's almost April! Yikes!! My grandchildren are on spring break, so I am looking forward to a visit from them.

Having said this, I realize that I am not ready for a visit. Guess I better make a shopping list and do some chores. 

Everyone have a good one!

Paula out! 

March 26, 2015
10:28 p.m.

Last post I was thinking about all the many things no one tells you about being a parent. Things like the fact that our children don't always turn out to be perfect. In fact, they rarely turn out even close to perfect. They are, after all, only human, just as we are.

I could go on with this train of thought, but I'm going to derail the train for now. I have some other things on my mind tonight.
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11:28 p.m.

Well, I did. And I do. But I have deleted everything I just wrote, because I am still a keeper of secrets, it seems.

Let me just say that secrets are hurtful. Had I spoken up a few times in my life, things may have turned out very differently. But it's too late for me, and speaking out at this point would change nothing.

I just hope that others will choose to do differently, and in so doing change their lives for the better. I'm sure that many, many people who might read this will see themselves in this statement, because we all have secrets, and we all know somewhere deep inside that sharing them with the right person at the right time could make all the difference.

So, having said nothing, I hope I have said something helpful to someone.

Don't let "If only I had told someone!" become your mantra. It's not an easy thing to live with when you're older, believe me.

But, if you are holding something back to protect someone who does not deserve your protection, find someone to share your story with. Tell your friends. Tell your parents. Tell your grandparents. Tell your teacher. If you need to, tell the police.

Tell your secret. Change your life.
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I have read all the Trixie Beldon books I've gotten so far. Have to order numbers eleven through fourteen soon.

In the meantime, I'm deep into Field of Fantasies: Baseball Stories of the Strange and Supernatural.
Fun stuff, folks.

I have to get some studying done before bed.

Maybe.

Or maybe I will just veg out and watch some "X-Files" re-runs.

That sounds more likely. Yep.

Good night.

March 20, 2015
2:02 a.m.

Well, another night that I am not sleeping. No surprise there!

My mind has been zooming about lately, reminding me of all the things I've done wrong, or was wrong about, or missed. You know, all those things that the quiet, middle of the night brings out in a mind that has no idea how to shut up.

So I said to me, "Hey, Paula, why don't you try to think of something a little more constructive?"

"Like what?" I asked me. "Like not putting off getting free continuing education credits until the last minute? That would have saved us a couple bucks, because now we have to pay for three-and-a-half lousy credits, you procrastinator, you!"

"Hey, lay off!" I yelled at me. "We got twenty-three-and-a-half credits free! I'll bet lots of people put it off until they had to pay for all of them!"

"We're not lots of people, smarty-pants, we're ME! And I would have liked to use that money for something else."

"Yeah, well...lesson learned. Never again."

"Yada yada. We'll see, won't we?"

That was constructive....
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2:11 a.m.

Well. never start an argument with a smart-ass. You'll never win.

Anyway, more constructive thinking has led me to the subject of parenthood.

The other day I posted on Facebook: "Motherhood is a tough gig." I should have said parenthood.

It's just that most of the parenting my children received was mothering. I think of parenting from a mother's perspective.

But that's not fair, because I know some great fathers. My own father is one of the greats, and I'm sure we all know men who have handled parenthood in an exemplary manner.

So, parenthood is a tough gig.

The thing is, we all go into parenthood with unrealistic expectations, I think. There are so many things we don't know.

Why don't we know these things?

Because no one ever told us!! Plus, when we were children and being parented, we weren't paying attention!

So, I decided to make a list:

Things No One Bothered To Tell You About Being a Parent

1.  Your children will not be perfect

     Wait, what? Just look at this little face! Did you ever see anything so perfect in your life?

        Sure, sure. It is beautiful and wonderful. But here's the thing--it's going to get bigger. It's going to learn to walk and talk. It's going to throw food on the floor, and put Lego bricks down the toilet, and spit sweet potatoes in your face. It's going to bite your best friend's child. It's going to take off a full diaper and use it to paint a pretty picture on the wall. 

      And all before the second birthday party. 

2.  Your children will be rude

    No way, I will teach my child good manners!

      Sure. "Please" and "thank you" and "excuse me" should be the very least of what all children are taught at an early age. But what about when your toddler tells the stranger in front of you in the grocery store to shut up? Or when your four-year old tells her preschool teacher that her hair looks funny? Or when a child not your own points out to your own child that his mother has a better car, and your child replies that at least his mother (you) isn't ugly? (Okay, the other kid was rude first, and at least your kid stuck up for you, but you get the point. It's the old "two wrongs don't make a right" snafu.)

      This is just the beginning, and sooner or later the rudeness will be directed at you, because

3.  Your child will become a tween and then--horrors!--a teenager. 

    Oh...yeah...

      Yes, it will happen. It will happen to your child. You can't stop it. You can't even slow it down, although you'll try. 

      And when you try, they will whimper, whine and cry because you "treat me like a baby!" (Notice the "whimper whine and cry"? See what I did there? Rest assured, they won't notice. Because they are so grown up and mature.) 

All this is the very least of what we don't take into consideration when we venture into the land of parenthood. 

I say that, because it we are very honest, we can look back at our own childhoods and remember that we, too, once called the neighbor lady a hag because she threw a rock at our kitty, or drew on the dining room wall with magic markers, or fed our vegetables to the dog under the table when our mothers weren't looking. 

We may have chosen not to remember that we weren't perfect children. Selective memory, my mother calls it. I once complained to her about some bratty behavior one of my children was exhibiting, and she laughed merrily and proceeded to tell me one of her "When you were that age" stories. 

I confess that these days I take great pleasure in telling my daughters some of their own stories when they moan and groan about their children. 

But, while no one actively told us all these things, they were things we could anticipate based on our own past behaviors, or the behaviors of siblings or friends. 

Next time I'll hit on some things we might never have imagined. 

Or maybe I won't. I'd like a few more grandchildren....

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

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I'm going to wander down the hall, crawl into my bed and attempt to reach the land of dreams.

Good night.