June 13, 2015
2:13 p.m.

Oh, my God, I don't think it has rained in the last twenty-four hours!

I wonder if that's a record? Nah. Just seems like it.

Instead of the grey and gloomy we had for half of April and most of May, at least June is giving us half and half days. Sunny til mid-afternoon, then cloudy, then rain. I will take all the sunshine I can get!

I'm pretty sure, however, that I could never survive in Seattle.
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I've pretty much decided that the time has come to clean my desk. I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder. I am a hoarder.

(Maybe I can shame myself into throwing some stuff away.)
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I have been doing a lot of thinking about family dynamics lately.

I admit it, I am one of the lucky ones born into a good family. I don't know how much credit goes to my grandparents--probably a lot, since they did raise my parents--but I am giving the majority of the credit to my parents.

It is not easy to raise children to be responsible, caring, emphatic adults. It's not easy now, and it wasn't easy in the 1960's through 1980's. My parents were luckier in that during my childhood it was still relatively safe to let your children go outdoors and play unsupervised. We weren't allowed to, but many of my friends ran all over the neighborhood. We had a big yard, and that was where we were expected to stay. Special permission was given for bike riding--around the block.

As I child, I wondered about the cautiousness of my parents, but considering that the world has turned into such a dangerous place for kids, all I can say now is that they were ahead of their time.

I turned out to be a cautious parent, too, but I did allow occasional sleep-overs. I preferred that everyone stay at my house, though. I really hated having my kids gone from my house.

But that's neither here nor there; I'm talking about my parents.

My parents: they did a pretty good job. They raised five kids who turned out okay. We grew up, we got married, we gave them fourteen grandchildren. Most of us stayed married. (Not me, okay? Apparently, I'm not good at it!) And we too have raised children who are responsible, caring people.

We've had our slip-ups along the way, of course. Like I said, the world is a dangerous place for children, and getting more dangerous all the time. There have been entanglements with drugs and alcohol. There have been incarcerations. Not many, thank God, but it has happened. It even happened to me--traffic violation, not even mine, but involving a family member's use of my car, and a subsequent summons to court that I never received, so "failure to show". Yay, me!

But here's the thing: through it all, we have supported each other and stuck together and forgiven one another for our shortcomings. My parents didn't disown me for having to spend a few hours in a jail cell. I didn't disown my family member for using my car without permission and having an accident, which eventually led to me going to jail for a few hours. I didn't disown any other family members for minor brushes with the law, and none of my siblings disowned any of their children for their transgressions, either. We were raised knowing one thing: all have fallen short of perfection in the sight of the Lord. If not for forgiveness, we would all be damned.

So, that's my family dynamic: Love and forgiveness. Acceptance. Tolerance. Sure, we fall short. Sure, we get frustrated and angry with one another. But above and beyond all that, we love one another, because we are family.

It goes like this: You screw up. I get mad, maybe yell a little (or a lot). You say you're sorry. We cry, we hug. We are still family. Or it could be that I screw up and you yell. Whatever. No one gets kicked out, no one gets disowned or cut off. We are still family. We still love each other. The end.

But--not all families are like that. Some families give up on each other, disown each other and never see or speak to each other again.

I don't understand that dynamic. It makes no sense to me.

My children's father is like that. His other family members are not, so I don't know how or why he came to be one of the "never see, never speak" tribe. To this day I could easily call him on the phone and chat for hours about his kids and grandchildren, but if he heard my voice, he would hang up.

How sad for him. He has lost so much time, so many experiences, so much love, and all by choice. I will never understand it.

What did the kids do to deserve his banishment of them from his life? Oh--they're mine.

Now, when he told me that if I divorced him he would never see or speak to me again, I thought he'd get over it. You know, for the kids' sake.

Nope.

And never, never, never did I think that he'd be stubborn about child support, choose not to have visitation, refuse to make phone calls, ignore birthdays and holidays. I still can't believe it, after twenty-four years. He has eight grandchildren, and I think he's only met one of them, as an infant, at which time he told my daughter that if she lived with him instead of me the child would never have been born.

My daughter hasn't spoken to him since. But I still hold out hope that she would, if given the chance.

My son, though...I don't know if he would. I kind of doubt it. There are so many reasons, but the main thing, I think, is the fact that when you reject a child--disown them, if you will, the child will learn that rejection is okay. That it's the norm.

My children were not taught that by me, but they had another adult--another family dynamic--as an influence in their lives, and I am apparently not a strong enough influence to alter their opinions and feelings about their sire.

Okay, maybe that's too strong a statement. In other dealings with family, my children have proven to be strong, loving, forgiving people. What they may or may not do in the future regarding their father has nothing to do with any of their other day to day dealings with family. He was the one that paved the way to this stalemate. He will never be the one to initiate reconciliation, and I can't play a part in it either. They are all adults. All I can do is pray that things might be resolved with love and peace before it's too late.

I should probably delete this, but I think I won't.

What I will do is stop thinking for now and say goodnight.

Goodnight!