January 28, 2014
11:40 p.m.

Watching my DVR recording of "Supernatural". Any Garth episode is a fun episode.
http://buddytv.us/1hLd3Nv

January has been kind of a long month. I got home from Wyoming on New Year's Eve and promptly caught the flu, so I've spent a lot of time sick. Ugh!

I went to see my councilor at Vocational Rehabilitation this month. She made me an appointment with a place that helps women "dress for success" by matching them with donated clothing. I still need to reschedule my appointment with them, because I was too sick to go.

Honestly, I thought I might need clothes for a job interview by now--well, I hoped--but no one has called to inquire about my brilliant resume and newly won job skills and certification. At any rate, both of my brothers gave me gift cards for Christmas, so I have bought a couple of things that would probably be just fine for an interview--unless I have to wear a power suit, which is so not me.

Anyway, I think I will call my councilor tomorrow and see if it's okay to just use my new X-mas clothes for interviews, if I ever get one. There's no need to spend money on me or give me clothes that someone else possibly needs more than I do.

Now, on that note, I have to come clean and admit that going to that appointment was hard. It was hard to make myself leave the house.

I should be going back to school every Thursday, too, to keep up my skills and learn new things, maybe hopefully start getting a line on the ICD-10 upgrades that I'm going to need to learn soon in order to be marketable. But I don't seem to want to leave this house.

Oh, I've been out with Sam and Valerie, but I don't think I've gone anywhere alone since I got back from Wyoming. Maybe a walk or two, but not far.

I've got to buck up and go somewhere in the next few days. If the weather is ugly Thursday, I'm not going to go to school. I don't need to get sick again. But I need to make myself get out and go somewhere, alone, as soon as possible. The longer I go with only a walk to the mail box, the harder it's going to be. I'm watching the weather, and at the very least I'll take the bus to the library this week.

Have to do it. It's far too easy to fall into the "shut-in" mode.

It scares me, you know. I want to get a job. I've been out of the working world for a long time now, and it gets boring and lonely. But what happens if I get a job and have to fight myself out the door everyday? I've got to beat this reluctance to go out. I don't know where it's coming from, but it's gone on for awhile now, and just when I think I'm better--BAM! It hits me again.
 
And it's not that I'm afraid of anything. Once I do go out, I'm fine. I talk to people, I take care of my errands, I don't freak out. It's just this...reluctance to leave. I don't know, maybe I'm losing it.

Okay, enough with the crazy lady stuff.

Tonight I want to end this with a prayer and lots of positive energy going out for my friend, Tim Seeley, who will be having a kidney transplant tomorrow. May God bless you, Tim, and your family, and keep you safe and well through this life-transforming adventure. May he also bless and keep the generous friend who is donating a kidney so that you can continue to be in her life. This world is full of wonderful people, and knowing you and your situation is a wonderful reminder of that.

Good night.