February 23, 2015
6:38 p.m.

I find myself wanting to talk about fear. I don't know why, but it has been on my mind a lot lately, so I figured writing about it might put some things in perspective.

Fear is subjective. No matter who you are, you have a fear or two. I've never met anyone who wasn't afraid of something.

Lets take clowns, for example. If I ever walked into a McDonald's restaurant and Ronald McDonald was there, I would turn around and jog right out the door. I couldn't even stand to watch him on commercials. Clowns are seriously creepy.

I have a friend who loves clowns. She once presented me with a ceramic clown doll. It was all I could do not to drop it on the floor. It's still lurking around here somewhere, and every time I run across it--I hide it from myself, but sometimes it turns up when I'm searching for something else--I swear I'm going to get rid of it. But it was a present, so...

Perhaps I also have a fear of getting rid of presents?

Oh, ha ha. That is so not funny.

Anyway, considering how I feel about clowns, why is it that Stephen King's IT is one of my favorite books, and even more confusing, why do I like the t.v. adaptation of that book so much? Pennywise the dancing clown is one of the creepiest characters I've ever run across!

It's like I said, fear is subjective.

Clowns on a screen are creepy, but clowns in person are much worse. I will watch "It" anytime, but I am never going to be a fan of the circus. There is nothing funny about clowns in tiny cars, and if one comes close enough to offer me a balloon, I'm going to have an asthma attack.

I mean, what are they hiding behind all that makeup? Are they human, or aliens from beyond the stars? What's the reason for their career choice? Are they hiding from the law?

I'm sorry, all you clowns out there. I'm sorry, all you clown lovers. Clown dolls and toys are big sellers, so I know lovers of clowns exist. But my reaction to clowns--brrrr!

Okay, I've brought up clown dolls, but lets widen the scope and include dolls in general.

I will be the first to admit that I have seen some really cute dolls in my day. I have also seen some very beautiful dolls.

But...well, we've all seen the creepy dolls, right?

Look, I have two sisters, and one of them was quite the doll lover when we were growing up. Her "babies" went everywhere with her. And most of them were okay, cute even. But she had one that totally creeped me out. It had those blinking eyes with the long, thick eyelashes, and one or the other eye was always at half-mast. Open or close, dolly eyes! Open or close! Ew!

When we were really young, my parents were renters, and my sisters and I all shared a room. It was a terrible thing, lying awake in a darkened room and seeing that doll, on her side in my sister's arms, one eye closed and the other half opened and staring at me. It was worse when she lined several dolls up side by side on her bed and they were all staring at me from across the room.

Daytime dolls are okay. Dolls in a dark room--not so much.

So now we are all grown up, and my sister is still a doll connoisseur. So is my mother. They have their little collections. And when I visit my mother, there is a doll who lives on the bed in the guest room who has to go visit another room while I'm there, because NO WAY am I going to wake up in the middle of the night and find her nearby.

Here's the thing about that doll. My sister D bought her for her own collection, but when she opened the package she came in, it scared her to death. Her first impression, because the doll is very life-like in size and features, was that she'd just discovered a dead baby. She was going to return the doll, but my mother's first impression was: "Oh, how cute! She looks just like a real live baby!" So my sister gave my mother the doll.

My other sister, M, loves the doll, as well. When she visits my parents and stays in the guest room, she sleeps with that doll. Neither my mother or my sister M can understand the reactions my sister D and I had upon seeing that doll, but you can be sure that neither of us are ever going to sleep in the same room with it. I have tried to like that doll--I've held it, and it really is the size and weight of a real baby. But it's dead weight, (sorry) and I can't stand it.

There's a phenomenon called the "uncanny valley", often used in cases of animation artwork and robotics. It suggests that when something not alive very closely resembles a living being, it causes feelings of unease in many people. I've decided that some dolls dwell in the uncanny valley, and that doll in particular is a prime example.

I guess I have now ascertained that I've got a couple of arguably unreasonable fears. Clowns and dolls, clown dolls--sheesh! What a baby I am!

Maybe tomorrow we can look at some fears that are a little more realistic.

Right now, I'm going to see if I can find that clown doll...

Good night.