February 25, 2015
6:16 p.m.

Fear, continued...

I will start by confessing that I did not got in search of the clown doll. It was late, it was dark...

Hey! I don't have to justify myself. I didn't look for it, okay? Okay.

But if I come across it again while searching for something else, I will get rid of it.

Maybe.

It was a gift...

So. Fear. Clearly I have some issues, but I'm not the only one. You're scared of something. We all are.

Today, I think I might have to address some more justifiable fears. We can deal with vampires--real vampires, not sparkly Edward vampires--some other time.

Once upon a time, I was afraid of being alone. Not the "I'm all alone in the house and I'm scared" alone, but the "nobody loves me and I'm gonna die alone" alone.

There was this voice, see, that told me that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc. That voice assured me that I would never have a boyfriend, never get married, never have children.

Well, I did all those things. But that voice continued to tell me that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, blah, blah, blah. And I realized that the voice wasn't mine, it was my husband's. He never said those things out loud, but by his actions he declared it daily.

(No, I'm not going to list his actions, fear not. This isn't about him, it's about me.)

A new voice started up in my head, a voice that said I wasn't strong enough or smart enough to make it on my own. How would I house and feed my children? How would I find a decent job? What would people think? What will my parents think?

Plus, I would be alone.

Oh, it was scary.

But I left--finally--and I got a decent job, I housed and fed my children. I even got married again. But after a few years I realized that marrying again had more to do with my fear of being alone than anything else, and when it ended I wasn't afraid of being on my own again, because I knew by then that I was strong enough, and smart enough to do it alone.

So here I am, alone. Maybe it is because I'm not good enough or pretty enough or thin enough, but by God, whatever the reason, I am not afraid of it anymore. I am perfectly fine with it. The truth is, I have four wonderful children and eight beautiful grandchildren, parents, siblings, friends, and even if I don't have a husband or boyfriend, it's okay. I'm not gonna die alone. I am loved. And for that I am truly grateful.

Now, having said that, I feel qualified to say to those who struggle with the fear of being alone, either because they've never been part of a pair, or because they are part of a pair that would be better off not being a pair--it's okay. It's okay to be scared, it's normal to be scared. Just don't let the fear paralyze you. Don't let it make you believe you are not good enough. Don't let it make you afraid to get out if you really need to go. Don't make it keep you from reaching out if you really need to make a connection.

Don't let fear be the boss.

It's a tough old world, and being alone in it is scary, but it's even scarier to not be in it. We all have to leave the house, work, buy food, pay bills. We all have to get involved in something, be a part of something. Expand your world, expand your life. Along the way you may or may not find a special someone to share it with, but never think that you're not special enough to just enjoy it by yourself.

In the end, you are really the only one who can make you happy.

So, that's all I have to say about that. Fear of being alone--rational and reasonable. Also manageable.

Vampires? Maybe next time.

Good night!