May 3, 2016
10:21 p.m.

I've had a bit of a chuckle today, thinking about yesterday.

I've decided that I just naturally mess with medical equipment. That has to be the reason for all these crazy things that lead to repeat tests on me.

To avoid having to repeat this exam, I stopped eating solid food the day before, instead of only eight hours before. Applesauce and jello, hurrah! Lots and lots of water.

I learned my lesson in January when I had an Esophagogastroduodonoscopy (EGD). I was told to fast for eight hours prior to the test. I fasted for twelve hours just to be sure.

The test was cut short because my stomach was still full--after twelve hours!

Obviously, that's a problem.

I rescheduled the EGD and was told to have clear liquids only for three days before the test. That test went fine, but ultimately didn't get me a definitive diagnosis.

This led to the next phase. CT scan of abdomen and pelvis with contrast.

Yesterday I boarded a bus at 7:45 a.m. to go to an appointment for the CT scan. The scan was scheduled for 11:30, but I had to be there early to drink a tasty concoction called barium. So, two buses and a half mile walk, and I made it there in plenty of time. I checked in, filled out paperwork, presented everything to the receptionist and tried to pay my co-pay.

Nope. Machine is out of order. No one has the old fashioned hand-held imprinter anymore, so I filled out a promissory note and was presented with my first serving of flavored barium contrast--nice and cold, and with a straw.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. I guess the flavoring has been greatly improved from the last time I had to drink that stuff.

Like a good girl, I travel with a book--always and without fail. These days, it's a Kindle in my bag--all the books you could possibly want for a day out, and no fear of finishing and having nothing else to read. I read on the bus, and while I waited I read some more.

After an hour, I got a second glass of yummy barium. An hour after that, I was called back for the scan.

I changed into scrubs--yay, no backless gown--and then the tech took me back to get situated.

Now, this guy is a mensch, let me tell you. He took the time to explain all about the test, and the need to also add more contrast in the form of an iodine injection, so of course, I would need an IV.

Whoopee. I have the worst veins. But, miracle of miracles, he finds a vein--in my arm, no less--and starts the IV in one try!! I usually end up with IVs in the back of my hand. And today--not a single sign of a bruise. Awesome.

Into the machine I go. Test one. Test two. Inject with iodine--

Oh! Have you ever had contrast before a CT scan or MRI? It is a most unpleasant experience. It doesn't hurt, but...

Okay, first, you feel a rush of heat, starting in the ears. Then, as the heat spreads downward, your mouth fills up with a very bitter, metallic taste, making you want to spit. As the heat hits your lower belly, there's a sensation of--sorry, it's true--wetting yourself.

Now, I've had this done before, last summer. The Tech reminded me before this new test done, but this sensation is so...what, real?...yeah, I guess real--that you're filled with shame. Oh my God, you think, I've wet myself!

In the meantime, the machine has moved me further inside itself, and as the sensation fades, it orders me to breath in...hold my breath...and breathe...but all in a matter of seconds, and without sliding me slowly out of the machine the way it should. It repeats itself, still without moving.

Oh, crap, I think. Now what?

The Tech returns and apologizes profusely. Power outage. Must have caused a glitch. We'll have to try again.

Oh, man. So, another injection, another rush of sensation and shame, an intense desire to spit and run, and what happens?

That's right! The machine fails again! Aughh!

Well, there's no way I can receive a third injection of contrast; kidney function is more important than pretty pictures. So the tech removed the IV and restarted the machine and ran the test without contrast.

The test that was specifically ordered with contrast.

But what else could he do? Endanger my kidneys? Of course not!

I got dressed and the Tech walked me out, changed my co-pay amount with the receptionist and apologized yet again for all the trouble that was not his, or anyone's fault, and left me filling out another promissory note for a smaller charge.

So all I can do now is hope that there was enough residual contrast still there when the pictures were taken. I really don't want to have to do this again.

My brilliant plan for the day was to leave the test on time--which didn't work out--catch another bus and go downtown to buy a book. Instead, by the time I got to the bus stop, my stomach was very upset, and I ended up just coming home and ultimately taking a nap in self defense.

That's right--me! Sleeping in the middle of the day! And I actually did sleep!

Unbelievable.

But that was yesterday.

Today, all's good. I'm not going to worry about the test until I have to. I ate Cream of Wheat and applesauce and then I cheated tonight and ate one-third of a hamburger and a few french fries and drank the most awesome hand mixed cream soda. I'm not dying, so I think I've gotten away with it.

On that happy note, I bid you good-night!