Sunday, March 10, 2019
4:21 p.m.

Well, I finally did it--I Googled myself!

I didn't expect to find anything, really. I'm not famous or anything.

I found a lot! My address is out there. My political affiliation is out there. A phone number is listed, but it is wrong. So that's cool. Because I get too many unsolicited calls already!

My books are out there, too. I originally listed them on Amazon, but they are available to order at Barnes and Nobel, Wal-Mart, E-Bay and a lot of other places! That sure surprised me.

My Amazon page is there, my Goodreads page is there, even my Medium page is there. My blog and G+ links are also there.

Wow. I'm a searchable entity.

Now I have to process how I feel about that...
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Molly is sleeping behind me, keeping my backside warm while I work. I swear, she's dreaming. It doesn't seem to be a great dream.

Maybe she's squashed. Silly dog!
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Well, I went on a bit of a rant this morning and my poor sister got an earful about how angry I am with God or the Universe or the Multiverse or whatever it is. I'm going to hell, if there is one.

Look, I sort of believe that people should get what they deserve. Apparently God doesn't work that way. Killers abound and get away with it. Rapists get slaps on the wrist. Child molesters get probation.

The good guys, though? My Dad got up every morning for decades and served his family, his friends, his community and his God. His reward? Dementia.

Where's a loving God in this scenario?

I mean, what the hell? Whatever happened to "Let the punishment fit the crime" and "Cheaters never prosper" and even "What goes around comes around"?

Why do the bad guys get all the money and all the breaks, while the good guys get shafted?

I call bullshit.

Okay, it has been a bad week. And I know--I KNOW!!-- that there are so many things to be grateful for. So many. But-- damn it!

Mom argues that it is not God. It's the devil. Well...God made him, too.

I hate feeling this way. Generally speaking, my relationship with God is ambiguous on good days, so bad days do nothing to get me in a super "Pro-God" state of mind.

And again, I hate feeling this way.

When I was a kid, I could feel the goodness of God. I mean, literally feel it. It was all around me, and my faith was unshakable. I loved going to church, loved the atmosphere of the place, the smells--everything about it made me feel good.

Then...well, life happened. And happened again. And I had so many questions! Why, if God loved me, had this thing been allowed? Why, if God loved me, hadn't He stopped that from occurring? After all, I was doing everything He said I should be doing, and not doing the things He said I shouldn't. Sometimes-- most of the time, in fact--that was really hard! So why wasn't he living up to His side of the bargain?

I'm almost 60, and having had my faith shaken repeatedly and sometimes quite cruelly, it's a blue-eyed wonder that I even think about God at all, let alone still believe (sort of; sometimes) that He exists at all.

Why shouldn't I doubt? Have you looked at the world lately? Have you taken note of the "leaders" we've been "blessed" with? To those who say God placed them in their positions of power, I would like to ask: "And this is a LOVING God?"

I'm pissed. I want my father back. MY father, the one who is disappearing day by day.

I can't fix this. And God won't fix it. Why? I don't know. What's His end-game? What's His divine purpose in causing a man who went to church every single day with the faith of a child and followed all the teachings to become a man who no longer cares if he puts on a clean shirt?

I don't understand. And like all humans, I don't like what I don't understand. I also don't believe there's any chance that this sort of suffering has a divine purpose. It's just cruel. Cruel to the sufferer and cruel to those who have no choice but to watch helplessly, because there's nothing else they can do.

You know what makes me the maddest? It's that I do still believe, and I do still pray that things will get better--or at least not get worse. It's that I feel guilty for feeling angry at God for not fixing things that He supposedly has the power to fix. Why should I feel guilty--God should feel guilty for not coming through with a cure for this awful affliction.

Yeah, I'm pissed that I am pretty sure I can go to hell for feeling this way. I'm not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, but I have tried to be better and to do right and to stay on the straight and narrow path. I don't kill, or rape, or rob banks. I don't steal from the store or disrespect my parents. But I do get mad at God, so... the devil may very well get me.

And in the meantime, I will be broke and sick and brokenhearted and I will have a million questions when the time comes, starting with "If you love us, then why---?"

Blind faith and free will...my ass.
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Remember back in the day when I said I was only ever going to say nice things on my blog?

Big fail today.

You know what? Oh, well. I just said I wasn't perfect. Now you know it's true.

But I'm sorry, anyway.

I have this overwhelming desire to delete everything, but you know what? I trust in your understanding.

I love you people.

I think you know that, while I am upset, I clearly have something I'm clinging to...

I still hope...

And this is enough for now. Enough writing, enough ranting, and enough.

I'm going to go fold some clothes and feel normal.

Cheers!