February 23, 2014
11:44 p.m.

No visit from grandchildren today, which makes me kind of sad. I know the kids can't make it down every week, but I sure love it when they do.

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I have seven grandchildren. There are times when I expect to wake up and discover that it has all been a dream, and I am still busy raising small children of my own. That's how quickly time seems to have passed, at least in regards to the growth of my children and grandchildren.

Time is such a strange thing. During those times when things are difficult, it passes slowly. When we are happiest, it zooms by.

Yet when we look back on all the things we've been through, its fluidity does indeed seem to have moved quite rapidly. Wasn't it just yesterday that I held my youngest child to breast? Yet, nearly a year ago I witnessed her giving birth to her third child. How could this be possible?

Last night as I lay in bed not sleeping, it occurred to me that in my lifetime I have lived several different lives. My first life was as a the daughter of my parents, Paul and Joyce, and sister of my siblings, Melanie, Donna, Rick and Frank. In that household I often hid away, but as I grew up, I realized that I had quite in incredible family. It wasn't always perfect, but what is?

Growing up, I was a student, an artist, a writer and a musician. I spent a couple of years playing drums in a rock band with Tom, Ramon and Mark. I worked part-time at the Riviera Theater and at Chicken Time. I dreamed of things that included school, travel, music and writing. I wanted to be a parent, but had no interest in marriage.

During the latter years of that life, I met a man and fell in love. So much for the lack of interest in marriage-- although I did still consider just having a baby and letting the relationship go. But I was scared to do that. This was during a time when single parenthood was frowned upon.

I got married after High School graduation. This was the beginning of my next life, the life of wife to X and mother to Samson, Katie, Sarah and Tabitha. I loved being a mother--I still do--but I did not love being married. Probably that was due to the fact that my husband didn't care to act like a married man. Thirteen years I lived with him--the first six were trying, and the remaining seven were hell on earth. But I had my kids and they kept me from going off the deep end.

Thirteen years is a LONG time when you're unhappy. I wanted a marriage like my parents', one where there is friendship, companionship and most importantly, trust. There's nothing worse than knowing that you're being cheated on. I wanted out, but I was too scared to leave. How would I support four children on my own?

After all my children were in school, I started working outside the home for the first time in years. It was a bit of a revelation. Suddenly I was being told what a good worker I was, and how smart I was. X had spent the last several years convincing me I was unattractive, lazy and stupid.

I'm not lazy or stupid. I knew that then, and yet...Okay, he never told me I was stupid, but whatever was going on, if I offered advice or an opinion, he ignored it, but if someone else said the same thing, then it was brilliant. I started feeling worthless and unattractive, and it just got worse as time went on.

So being in public every day, being asked for help, sought out for opinions and told that I was doing a good job--it built me up again. I began to gain the strength I needed to get out of Dodge before the shoot-out.

Thus began life number three: single mother working one full time and two--sometimes three--part time jobs. This time seemed to go by faster. I was very busy, I was happier. I had fallen in love again. For a while this all worked out okay.

In retrospect, I would never have married again, or even had a boyfriend, until my kids were grown and gone. Although their father managed to spend as little time as possible with them--less and less as time went by, until it was no time at all--they weren't ready to have anyone else in their lives trying to fill that place, and honestly, he didn't do a very good job of it.

Truthfully, I was ripe for the attentions of a man who would flatter me and treat me sweetly, but still use me. After being treated badly, I was the perfect patsy. I just ended up with a fifth child, that's all. I worked, he stayed home. He didn't pay any attention to what nonsense the kids were up to while I was working, and mostly left them alone while he goofed off all day. He spent more money than I made and got me into some serious debt. Was someone in this relationship lazy and worthless? Yep. But it wasn't me.

After eight years, I was done. And to make sure I stayed done, I took a job offer in Denver and moved away.

During those years of life number three my children had grown up. I had become a grandmother for the first time, and two of my daughters had gone to Oklahoma with their new families. My son had gone away to college. It was just my middle child and I, and Denver became the site of a new beginning for us.

Life four was single, middle-aged small-town girl transplanted into the city. For the next several years I worked as a coding assistant, a Surgery Scheduler and an Optician. More grandchildren came along. I went to school and earned a Bachelors Degree I will never use: Animation. I learned a lot of things I use for my own amusement, but I'll never get a job in animation.

Then I got sick. Very sick. I had to quit my job. It took a long time to get well, but once I was somewhat better I had to admit that I was never going to work as an Optician again, regardless of the fact that I always loved it. I finally took the advice of my doctors and applied for Disability, then cried when I got it without so much as a tussle. Everyone I have ever known who applied for disability from Social Security has had to get a lawyer and duke it out. Not me. My medical record speaks for itself.

Sigh.

Life five has been me at home, bored and lonely. I went to Vocational Rehabilitation to try to get re-training so I could learn something new that I will be physically able to work at. I've worked very hard and gotten my certification in Medical Billing and Coding. Now I am going through the employment searches, interviews, tests and rejections. I'm at turns hopeful and terrified.

I'm hoping life six will be employed granny lady. I enjoy working. It would be nice to get out of the house. The hardest part for me will be going to sleep at a decent hour and becoming a "day person". At least, as much as I ever can be. I've done it before, I can do it again.

Speaking of getting to bed at a decent hour, I should probably wander off to bed now. Good night!