March 23, 2014
5:20 p.m.

We just returned from my grandson's birthday party. Yesterday I was quite looking forward to it. Today I could hardly wait to get out of there. Just goes to show you never know how things are going to turn out.

Here's the problem: Today's parents.

When I was a kid, my parents sent us outside to play and kept their noses out of our business. When my kids were growing up, I did much the same thing with them. Kids do not need their parents constantly butting into what is basically "kid business".

Case in point: video games. There is no right or wrong way for a four-year-old to play a video game. Standing next to him and yelling at him he's doing it all wrong is bull-caca, you neanderthal dad, you! He's a little boy, schmuck. You put him on the machine, now let him play it however he wants. He's probably going to do better than you at it, anyway, if you let him be. And if he loses, so what? He'll sit there and pretend to play while the graphics repeat, and never even worry about it.

The mentality of modern parents is to "do it for them". Be it a game, chores, homework or a fight with a friend, they think they have to butt in and "fix" everything.

News flash: you can't fix it, parents! They have to learn how to fix it themselves. All you are teaching children by being a "fix-everything-parent" is that they are incapable of taking care of business themselves. When they get older and you expect them to deal with life, they will still be looking to you to "fix it" for them. Believe me when I tell you, you will get tired of it. You will wonder why this twelve year old has to have your help with something he should be able to do himself. You will wonder why your son won't get a job or why your daughter can't be bothered to do her own laundry. And the answer will be, it's your fault, because you had to butt in and "fix" everything when they were younger and could have learned a few basic lessons about doing it themselves.

Children learn by doing. So let them do it. Teach them--without yelling that everything they do is wrong--and then let them fail. And fail. And fail again. It's okay, they won't be scarred for life. They will simply learn that they have to try again, and soon they will master it, whatever it is.

My first personal experience with this learning method was riding a bike. I had no training wheels, no helmet, no knee and elbow pads. My dad walked along behind me and kept me in balance, and then--he let go. I fell. We did it again. I fell again. But guess what? I can ride a bike! Sure, I got banged up, but it was something I wanted to do, and I mastered it. My dad never told me I was doing it wrong or decided to just give me a ride on his bike. He told me it was all up to me, and if I tried really hard, I'd get it.

When I bought my kids their bikes, they all came with training wheels. I took them off.

Yeah, I'm a mean mom. But I never saw the point of training wheels. Kids don't learn any faster with them than they do without them, and honestly, falling a few times increases their determination to get it right. Their friends, my kids reminded me, had training wheels. Why didn't they? And yet, they learned to ride their bikes before their friends did. My son was riding a two-wheeler at the age of three. Three! His uncle had a sore back from walking him--little boy, little bike, poor Tio. He really had to bend over to give the kid a push. But check him out!

Please note: No training wheels. No helmet, no knee or elbow pads. Also, no blood! (Okay, also no pants.)
Just a kid, taking care of business. Kid business.

Speaking of my son--he grew up in a house full of girls. Poor guy.

Girls are a pain. I'm totally serious, they are a pain. They travel in pairs or in packs. It's like they think it's a sin to be alone. Alone girls are the outcasts, the misfits, the nerds. In other words, me. For me it was fine, I was cool with being the odd one, but for most girls, it's devastating.

I sought solitude because I like it that way, and yes, the other girls thought I was strange, but it was okay. I have always been okay with my own weirdness. I have had, over the years, very few female friends. I have a lot of female acquaintances. There are some lovely women I love dearly--you know who you are--but for the most part, my friends are men. I appreciate their lack of dramatics.

But for now, I'm talking about typical girls. Emotions run just beneath the surface, hot and ready to erupt at the most inopportune time. No one knows what will trigger these eruptions, or what form the eruptions will take. Will it be tears? Angry ranting? Laughter? All three?

So, you're a girl. You have two girl friends. You like them and they like you, so it stands to reason that they should like each other, right? You introduce them to each other. Now what?

There are a few possible outcomes to this scenario:

1. You like them, they like you and they like each other. The three of you do everything together and everyone gets along fine. (Least likely.)

2. You like them and they like you. They do not like each other. Thus begins the competition,  both covert and overt, to see which of them will "win" you. They each encourage you to ignore the other girl, leave her out of your activities. You become the prize. Congratulations, you've become an objective. Ugh!

3. They like you, but they like each other more than they like you. You become a third wheel and are eventually left behind.

(Scenarios 2 & 3 are equally likely.)

If you are the parent of a girl--or girls--there is no way to avoid this situation. It's going to happen. But you can't fix it. They have to fix it themselves.

Certainly you can offer advise--if she asks you. If it is situation #2 and you are a witness, you can certainly take your daughter aside and tell her that if the tug-of-war can't be resolved between the three girls quickly you'll be happy to take her out of the equation (for example, you've got chores for her or you have to go someplace-- not as a punishment, but as a reprieve) Then let her decide how she wants to deal with things. You can have a good talk about things after the friends are gone.

Getting into the situation yourself will only embarrass your child in front of her friends, and the next conversation they have will be about you instead of how to resolve their own issues. Take it from me, they talk about you enough already. In this case, it doesn't matter if you're Mom or Dad--parents embarrass their kids on a daily basis without even trying. Poking your nose into their business with their friends is defined as trying, okay? Stick to singing along with the elevator music at the grocery store to embarrass them; it's harmless.

Of course, the above advise is moot if things have gotten to a nasty level. If the girls are physically fighting, of course you have to intervene. Separate them all. Regardless of who is fighting over whom, two girls are probably sticking together and the third is left out somehow. Girls are masters of the nasty two-against-one.

Girls in sets of three equals trouble. So say I.

I am one of three female siblings. The two-against-one at our house was them vs me, but they didn't set it up that way; I did. If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that I was a loner who shut herself away to read, write and listen to music. But when I did decide to join in, I was the odd girl out. I simply didn't fit. Again, this was my own doing, but that doesn't mean I was immune to hurt feelings. Being left out hurts.

I am the mother of three females as well, and boy, were they masters of two-against-one. The two older girls consistently left the youngest out. Luckily, she is very like her mother (me!) and was happier hanging out with her brother anyway.

But every once in awhile, the three girls would get together and go three-against-one against their brother. Poor guy.They got him in trouble with me so many times before I figured out that they were the ones to blame. Then--boom!--Mom and son against girls. Guess who won? (Hint: Me)

See? Girls are a pain!

My oldest daughter had two friends who could not stop fighting over her. The one time they did decide to try to get along, they had a great time together and left her out of everything they did. She has never been the type to fight herself, so she just left them to their shenanigans and spent the day with me. The friends getting along together lasted less than a day, and the tug of war recommenced. My daughter finally decided that it was best to have them over to play one at a time. We talked it over, but the decision came from her. She just felt too much stress trying to spend time with them both at the same time. The exception to this action plan was Birthday parties, and then it was just grin and bear it. There was always someone else around to hang with the so-called "left out" friend, and my daughter soon mastered the art of taking turns and making the rounds. She is still friends with both girls--and they still don't like each other.

Anyway, this has been a long, rambling way of complaining about the way a particularly thoughtless "grown-up" made a child cry because their child felt left out. This child had made an effort to include the girl along with her other friend, but had been rebuffed because this little girl wanted her to herself. The three girls were in the process of fixing things themselves, but "Fix-it Mom" jumped right in the middle with both feet, made the child cry, embarrassed her daughter and made the other friend decide to go sit with one of the other kids rather than witness the whole debacle.

This after "Vidiot Dad" telling his toddler that everything he was doing in the game was wrong, and I was ready to leave before I jumped in the middle of something myself.

Parents, stop trying to "fix" things for your kids. Unless they are in danger, kid business is for the kids to work out. Otherwise they will never learn interpersonal relations.

Butt out. Seriously. Have some confidence that your children are smart enough and strong enough to work things out for themselves. If they really need your help, they'll ask for it, as long as you've made it clear that they're welcome to do so.

Let them play the game their way.

And good night.