May 1, 2017
11:13 p.m.

Recently I viewed a Netflix series that has been generating a lot of conflicting interest. It is called "13 Reasons Why".

Produced by Selina Gomez and starring a young cast led by Dylan Minnette and Katherine Langford, it chronicles the thirteen reasons young Hannah Baker has decided to end her own life--reasons that are shared in a series of thirteen messages recorded on cassette tapes and circulated among the peers she considered influential in her decision making.

Each episode is a recording--tape one, side one, etc. Each episode is hard to take; and each one gets progressively harder.

I am a self professed binge-watcher, but I had to take breaks pretty frequently with this series, because it is harsh and it hits home on many counts. I made it through; I was fascinated, appalled, saddened, angered.

I can't really stop thinking about it.

And you know, maybe that was the point all along. Maybe that was why the book, by Jay Asher, got written in the first place, and why Selina Gomez wanted to bring it to life in this format. So people would see it and think, what could have been changed, and would that have saved her?

It's controversial. People are absolutely talking about it. I've read articles that claim the story "glamorizes" suicide. That wasn't my impression--the death itself is ugly and painful.

Honestly, though, people who consider it as an option glamorize death for themselves, I sometimes think. They see it as an out, an end to their own suffering, and may even consider that those they leave behind will be better for it.

I've been in that dark place: the place where you're sure that the world will be a better place if you're gone, that all the suffering will end for everyone, that it's the only choice that makes sense.

I believe what saved me is the fact that I have always been a teller of tales,  the "what if?" girl.

See, I worked things through.

First I considered the "how". And I realized something: death is not pretty. No matter what you do, someone has to get in there and clean it up. Even pills, or gassing yourself in the car can lead to some potential nastiness for someone else to deal with.

No one deserves that job!

So, I figured, I'd have to come up with something clean and easy. But even if I did--and that's a huge if--and I was successful--then what?

I cannot leave a story unfinished. Even if it's awful, I have to fight my way to the end. And, Oh My God, there was no way to get to a happy ending. Yeah, I'm out of the picture. Yay, me. But what about my parents? They would be entirely blameless, of course. Still, they'd blame themselves; I know I would if it was my kid.

What about my kids? Who would raise them? Was I really going to leave them to be raised by someone who was NOT ME?

Nope. If they were gonna get damaged by a rotten parent, that rotten parent was going to have to be me. Plus, what would they end up thinking of me if I just checked out and left them behind? I'd feel guilty if I died a natural death and left them, let alone...you know.

Needless to say, my "what ifs" and "then whats" and all the other things that lead to the end of any story saved me from making a big mistake. There was no way to make a happy ending happen with my exit, no matter how much I might have believed that the world might be better off without me.

I stuck around. It wasn't always easy. But I'm glad I did.

That said, the story still sticks with me, because there's still a part of me that totally gets where that girl was coming from, and the darkness in her heart. I understand the fear that things won't ever get better. I understand the desire to just close your eyes and forget the whole damned thing.

I was blessed with a wonderful family. Thank God. Every day I am grateful for that.

But no matter what. we have a road we walk alone. Your terrific parents and siblings can't shield you from the entitled jackass who informs you gleefully that he whacks off every night thinking about your tits, and then gets pissed off because you "can't accept a compliment". They can't always be there when your classmates decide to spread rumors about you, or shove you in a locker and leave you in there for an entire class period. They can't keep you from marrying the wrong man or force you to get out of the marriage once you finally come to your senses and realize you're not where you should be.

Failures are things we suffer through alone. Certainly we may receive some sympathy, but ultimately, they are ours alone. School exams, relationships, jobs--those are our burdens and worries, our successes or failures, our triumphs or tragedies.

"13 Reasons Why" reminded me that not everyone is a teller of tales. Not everyone can get to the end of their own part of the story and then ask: "And then what happens?" I'm glad I could; I'm glad I did.

But what about those who can't? What about those who literally get to "And she slept forever", and believe that's the end of the story?

This is the reason I can't get the story out of my head, and the reason I think it might be useful for people to watch this series. The rest of the story needs to be known. In this, I do not mean the reasons one might have for considering suicide in the first place. I mean the story of "then what happens?

First of all, there's no "slipping away peacefully." Even those people who are so very sick have bodies that fight to stay alive as long as possible. No matter what, it's going to be a struggle. It's going to hurt, most likely. Even if you don't bleed, you're going to make some sort of mess of yourself--vomit, urine, feces. You will not look beautiful or peaceful. You will stink.

Someone will find you. There's a fifty-fifty chance that someone will be a person you loved, a person who loved you. Even if it's not, do you really, truly hate everyone so much that you would wish upon them the discovery of a body?

If you're out for revenge, you'll never know if it worked.

If you're out for sympathy, you'll never get to receive it.

People will be sad, people will be sorry, but no one will really understand. Some will be mad as hell, and you won't be around to defend yourself. Or to say you're sorry.

Worst of all, the things you think you'll make better by dropping out won't be changed at all, because you won't be here to change them. In truth, you will make it all worse.

You'll be remembered, but your memory will always bring pain, because your death was untimely, unnecessary and cruel.

Surely we all want to leave a nicer legacy.

Suicide is not a way out, easy or otherwise. It's not brave or noble, glamorous or romantic. It is selfish and reckless and  FAR from easy on anyone.

I would agree that this program is not for everyone, and if you're going to let a young person view it, you should sit down and watch with them, Be prepared for questions and debates. Be prepared to hear some ugly confessions or accusations. LISTEN. If you've ever felt that darkness, share it and put it to rest. This could open doors. It could also open wounds. But if a discussion is started, it could also save lives.

Maybe even your own.

Now, to be clear, I am not necessarily endorsing this program or encouraging you all to drop everything and watch this with your kids.

I would encourage you, if you're a parent or grandparent, to watch it alone first if you're considering letting your child watch. But I would also remind you that kids are watching a lot of things these days that we might not be aware of at first, and that this show is very popular. It's being talked about among teens and pre-teens, and it's not a bad idea for you to know it's out there.

So... it's out there. It's scary, It's hard. It's worth a look.

A quick reminder: I am a teller of tales. Take my stories with a grain of salt, Or don't.

Lockers are tight.

Good night!